I think, Im going to tell you, firstly what I believe, and how that effects my decisions in life. You may call it a religion, or something else, but nonetheless, it is what I live by.
There is so much going on in my life at the moment, that to write it down wouldn't really accomplish anything. So, secondly, I will refer to my past, and use that to reflect - but to reflect only. To think about it too much damages me sometimes, and at an important time in my life like this i cant afford for this mental strain.
Religon. Hmm. strange one
I have been christened Greek Orthodox as a baby, but christianity baffles me slightly, some pieces of the jigsaw just dont fit. I also have punjabi blood in me, which I respect alot of, and also feel i have a deep connection, or understanding of, but some of these rules also just dont quite fit into my life.
Two things that do feel right though. If i want something, Il get it. I concentrate all belief that im capable to muster, and direct it towards myself. The amount of times i have been let down in my life, promises broken, expectations shattered, through out my child hood, theres only one person in the whole world that would never accomplish any of the above, and thats just me.
Also I really feel like Im living on a path. This interlinks with the blog i posteed last time, about intuition.
Yes its there for a reason, to help you make the right decisions, but if thats the case, then surely this is the path that has been built for you to follow? I follow fate - the builder of this path, the only thing that knows every answer to every decision i have or will ever make, so it seems almost logical to be led down this path. Both my dearest best friends actually disagree with me on this, but as much as i honor thier opinion, my belief in myself and what the future has in store for me is just too strong to falter.....
They say theres a story behind everything, and everyone. Even the people that may seem bad, they too have thier story, there reasons for doing what they do. Thats why i take time to listen to what everyone has to say.
So heres my story
I hit 15. Life literally plummeted into a whole new direction. Before this point, my father was the best man known to exsistence in my eyes. He was the only one around when growing up, everything he did was right, to me and I love him beyond anything anybody has ever known. But being born in Britain, by a man who was brought up the indian way? This is a bit more then just difficult. And so the rule about no boyfriends until im 18, was the one and only rule I broke. Love is what i felt, it was everything i had imagined and more, so strong that it overrid any loyalty i had for my family.......
I tried to reason with him. Just meet him dad, please. But apparently, I had no idea what love was. Apparently I was just a child. Apparently, I knew nothing about life, and that it is and will always be, a dog-eat-dog world out there that will tear me to shreds because I wasn't ready for it.
Keeping me locked up in my room didnt keep me from contacting who i most wanted to speak to. Didn't even stop me organizing secret meetings just to hold him for 5 sneaky minutes outside the back of my work everyday, while my father waiting for me a the front, to make sure i came straight home.
2 weeks of confinement and I was offered an Ultimatum. I leave the house and be with him, Or i stay and never seem him again. I challenged this ultimatum... which pushed my luck too far. Turmoil, emotional and physical pain, all concluded that night with me in the Hospital and My father at the police Station.....
I left the house. You could of called me homeless for a bit. Then finally after alot of staying round mates houses, I decided to stay with my Boyfriends Parents, who pitied me, but took care of me when they could.
1 Year passed. Pretty emotionally damaged due to lack of interest from all the family. And boom, the one reason to be happy, the 1 thing I gave up everything I had ever loved before that, decided it was the end. No reason. Just, no more. Love, it seems, wasnt as glorious as first thought. Especially when it slapped you in the face, like that.
Each step of that phase, happened because it had to. I followed the signs, I always do, and thats the path it led me down. Bullet PointS. Bullet Points are good, there always good.
The lessons I learned
- Because i left the house so early, and was faced with life all by myself so quickly and unexpectedly, I feel as if I can get through anything that life chucks at me now. A Strong Nut.
- Because I had my all family taken away from me and then my heart shattered into a million peices, I dont let anybody walk over me, therefore Im very rarely taken advantage of.
- Because I spread my wings, away from my father, I sprouted out, I did my own travelling, I experimented with so many different experiences, and fuck me i made alot of mistakes, but my mind is so so open. So accepting to new things, and different kinds of people.
Moral of the story. Sometimes, it feels like, life is just spinning. Like completely out of control. Out of your Hands. But are you really controlling your hand, when Fate is holding it, leading you down your path, tugging you in the right direction. That tugging feeling, thats the intuition. Believe more that you can accomplish what ever it is that you want, and the path will lead you there, to your Destiny.
But God, Do I Miss That Man That Is My Father.
My only wish is for him to forgive me. Like going to church to confess my sins.
Only Then, Will I Feel Completely Free.