About Me

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A blog with a twist. Attempting to shape in words the tangled web of thoughts in my head, but always ending each post in the form of a positive conclusion, intended to reach out and help people looking for inspiration and advice. So yea....here goes....

Saturday 16 October 2010

Belief, Reason, and the Power of Choice

Recently, my life has been governed by these three things more than ever.

I think, Im going to tell you, firstly what I believe, and how that effects my decisions in life. You may call it a religion, or something else, but nonetheless, it is what I live by.

There is so much going on in my life at the moment, that to write it down wouldn't really accomplish anything. So, secondly, I will refer to my past, and use that to reflect - but to reflect only. To think about it too much damages me sometimes, and at an important time in my life like this i cant afford for this mental strain.

Religon. Hmm. strange one

I have been christened Greek Orthodox as a baby, but christianity baffles me slightly, some pieces of the jigsaw just dont fit. I also have punjabi blood in me, which I respect alot of, and also feel i have a deep connection, or understanding of, but some of these rules also just dont quite fit into my life.

Two things that do feel right though. If i want something, Il get it. I concentrate all belief that im capable to muster, and direct it towards myself. The amount of times i have been let down in my life, promises broken, expectations shattered, through out my child hood, theres only one person in the whole world that would never accomplish any of the above, and thats just me.

Also I really feel like Im living on a path. This interlinks with the blog i posteed last time, about intuition.
Yes its there for a reason, to help you make the right decisions, but if thats the case, then surely this is the path that has been built for you to follow?  I follow fate - the builder of this path, the only thing that knows every answer to every decision i have or will ever make, so it seems almost logical to be led down this path. Both my dearest best friends actually disagree with me on this, but as much as i honor thier opinion, my belief in myself and what the future has in store for me is just too strong to falter.....

They say theres a story behind everything, and everyone. Even the people that may seem bad, they too have thier story, there reasons for doing what they do. Thats why i take time to listen to what everyone has to say.

So heres my story

I hit 15. Life literally plummeted into a whole new direction. Before this point, my father was the best man known to exsistence in my eyes. He was the only one around when growing up, everything he did was right, to me and I love him beyond anything anybody has ever known. But being born in Britain, by a man who was brought up the indian way? This is a bit more then just difficult. And so the rule about no boyfriends until im 18, was the one and only rule I broke. Love is what i felt, it was everything i had imagined and more, so strong that it overrid any loyalty i had for my family.......

I tried to reason with him. Just meet him dad, please. But apparently, I had no idea what love was. Apparently I was just a child. Apparently, I knew nothing about life, and that it is and will always be, a dog-eat-dog world out there that will tear me to shreds because I wasn't ready for it.

Keeping me locked up in my room didnt keep me from contacting who i most wanted to speak to. Didn't even stop me organizing secret meetings just to hold him for 5 sneaky minutes outside the back of my work everyday, while my father waiting for me a the front, to make sure i came straight home.

2 weeks of confinement and I was offered an Ultimatum. I leave the house and be with him, Or i stay and never seem him again. I challenged this ultimatum... which pushed my luck too far. Turmoil, emotional and physical pain, all concluded that night with me in the Hospital and My father at the police Station.....

I left the house. You could of called me homeless for a bit. Then finally after alot of staying round mates houses, I decided to stay with my Boyfriends Parents, who pitied me, but took care of me when they could.

1 Year passed. Pretty emotionally damaged due to lack of interest from all the family. And boom, the one reason to be happy, the 1 thing I gave up everything I had ever loved before that, decided it was the end. No reason. Just, no more. Love, it seems, wasnt as glorious as first thought. Especially when it slapped you in the face, like that.

Each step of that phase, happened because it had to. I followed the signs, I always do, and thats the path it led me down.  Bullet PointS. Bullet Points are good, there always good.

The lessons I learned


  • Because i left the house so early, and was faced with life all by myself so quickly and unexpectedly, I feel as if I can get through anything that life chucks at me now. A Strong Nut.
  • Because I had my all family taken away from me and then my heart shattered into a million peices, I dont let anybody walk over me, therefore Im very rarely taken advantage of. 
  • Because I spread my wings, away from my father, I sprouted out, I did my own travelling, I experimented with so many different experiences, and fuck me i made alot of mistakes, but my mind is so so open. So accepting to new things, and different kinds of people.

Moral of the story. Sometimes, it feels like,  life is just spinning. Like completely out of control. Out of your Hands. But are you really controlling your hand, when Fate is holding it, leading you down your path, tugging you in the right direction. That tugging feeling, thats the intuition. Believe more that you can accomplish what ever it is that you want, and the path will lead you there, to your Destiny. 


But God, Do I Miss That Man That Is My Father. 

My only wish is for him to forgive me. Like going to church to confess my sins.

 Only Then, Will I Feel Completely Free.

Sunday 10 October 2010

Intuition or just craziness?


Despite the sun today, sadness has reigned. Ive seen it on peoples faces, ive heard it in peoples voices, ive read it in messages. And to stretch out happiness which is always my first reaction had been particularly hard today.

That can only mean there must be sadness within myself, that im hiding. I know what thats about though. My mother says that I dont do loneliness very well, but i always disagreed with her. Maybe, shockingly, surprisingly, she may have a very small insignificant point. Having alot of time to myself this weekend has only provided the time to bring it all to the surface.... and....



.....Somethings wrong. Something separate from the stupidity of my self-wallowing. I dont know what it is, but its there, those familiar feelings creeping up, something telling me to either prepare for something or giving me some kind of sign that something has/is going to happen/ has happened. Im closing my eyes... im trying to pinpoint...... somebody i care about is in trouble? Maybe? Im texting my suspicions now, and low and behold - no text back. Think ill have to step it up to a phone call. Shes gonna think im crazy tomorrow. Alot of people think im crazy when i ring up and say "ive got a bad feeling about something, are you ok?". But its worth it, even if my feelings are wrong, at least I did my best to find out what these bad feelings are all about.

Lesson to be learnt - always trust your gut instinct. Even if you look crazy doing it, its there for a reason. And even if you think, well i cant feel anything, its because you probably subconsciously switched it off, out of touch from your intuition a long time ago (society does shitty things like that). But seriously, get it back, and embrace it, it helps you in  alot of sticky situations, if not to stop something bad, then at least prepare you for it so its not so bad when it comes.  This pre-warning system is there for a reason, like a body mechanism, for protection No doubt about that.

Symbol of my inspiration today.....possible belly bar, and Logo....??? S word = solar

Friday 8 October 2010

Beginning with a change of perspective :)

.......Hmm. right. never shared my thoughts like this before........

Tonight is the night of reminiscing.  Each memorable event in my life has had a knock on effect to the next

Dominoes is the comparison i keep thinking of. No no, a special lamp post. (Il come back and explain that one later)

And its like, each of these memorable events belong to a particular phase in my life, which in turn each has particular memorable people, smells, visions, way of thinking, and most importantly, very particular emotions.

And when reminicing about each phase, the way i was feeling at that time comes forcing itself back into my heart, flooding, no, overflowing it to the brim with old emotions. And MUSIC. each one of these phases have songs attached to them, and its no ordinary attachment,  its like binded so freakin tightly, you start to hear only the first few notes of a song, and the mind suddenly explodes with these particular memories happening at these particular phases.......and it makes me think......how can reality be defined as now in the present moment what we see with our eyes. As powerful tool as they are, Maybe, just maybe, your mind is more powerful than anything, beyond anyones comprehension.

So, what would happen if you tried closing those eyes. When you do that, there is no visual distraction.. Then, maybe, start playing those songs so closley consumed with a phase (Considering a happy time in one of these phases  maybe more helpful). Break all the barriers that may exsist in the mind and the heart at that moment, and let all those  old memories take over. Those old feelings should start firing up, right through you, then reacting with your body and releasing the same chemicals that it did last time you felt like that.

If the mind has the power to literally transport you back to a happy moment in your life, making your body go through exactly the same experience as ir did back then, whilst just sitting in your bedroom with your eyes closed, then is reality really what is infront of you right now? Or is it what ever you WANT it to be, using your mind as the machine to make it?

And so on a another drunken adventure i was having a few nights ago, I was trying to help a lovely girl who couldnt understand a situation, why something didnt make sense. My words were "Well, ya see, life is like......" and i couldnt find the right word for that moment (shockingly me, out of words). I looked behind her and saw this image.
I continued "its like that lampost over there darling. Nothing is black or white, always grey. nothing is straight, otherwise how can we define straight, without something being bent in our lives?"

So, first positive and (hopefully) inspiring  conlcusion to take away and digest:

If reality is not always what you see with your eyes, and we need the bent things in our lives to define what is straight, clearly nothing is what it seems. So if you dont understand why something is the way it is, maybe its better to accept it and embrace it. And then know you have so much power, to change what we do understand, isnt it better to concetrate our efforts on that?

Ultimatly, You'd be making a difference to the world. Just like what im trying to do now

:)