He came back into my life out of nowhere - like an earth quake stretching the earths crust, our eyes met and the storm hit.The connection is so undeniable and infinite, and we both know it, despite the fact its never said.
Memories flash back like wild fire, everyone to each beat of my heart. Thats the very painful moment when guilt hits like a hammer and thoughts stumble back to the soul in which I share my life with at home waiting for me.
I automatically understand that there is no measure for any of these feelings. I just dont understand why such events had to occur within my life in order for my heart to be stretched into two opposite directions.
Fear of sinning kicks in. Im I bad person? A slut? A lonely little girl that gets bored easily, and ruins other peoples life like judgement day??????..............
Of course not. The mind slowly starts to clear.................. I have always believed that its against mother nature to ever put any kind of restictions or limitations on any matters of the heart.............there isnt enough love being shown to make the world go round happily right? So why should I.....
How has this type of living effected my life, or made it different to a person who do put limitations on thier heart?
I go out do things and live life to the absolute max, taking hold of every opportunity as much as i can, do crazy stuff, meet as many new people as possible feeding my passion to teach and to learn from others. I wouldnt say everyone lived like that, although i do reccomend it to every person i talk to on a regular basis, as it does make you feel alive
And ive found that this generates alot of love for people. The only problem is, as I start spreading this love, it then starts attaching. and thats usually when I get into trouble, because todays society has brought us all up to belive your suppose to love only one person your entire life.
Then my head rudely interrupts and flashes at me that i have to make a decision between the two and fast because the mind cant handle the thought of loving two people so immensly at the same time........A distant voice chants at me......
follow my heart follow my heart, follow my heart..........
Yes I know! But what if the heart is showing two paths, which do you take? and what would be the reasons in which to choose the right path? how could justify them to be "right" or "wrong"?
My head replies, by starting to imagine what it would be like to take each path and then summing up the pro's and con's like a mathmatically equation or a logical scientifc method to see which one would be more benefical for me..........
.....................................I love you i love you i love you, but i love you too.......................... ... ... and thats why i should do what I should do..................waaaat....??????????????????????? Now nothing mathmatically or scientifically makes any logical sense.
Ugh!!!!
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Everything goes quiet, I manage to find a tiny moment of peace. And thats when I became inspired.
There can only one possible solution - absolute acceptance. Acceptance that yes my heart can be split into two, or maybe even more peices, but i cant be with everybody at the same time.
So this is a pact for myself.
From this day forward I will first - accept that I am in love with more than one person. I always have been, and I always will be. Because love is infinite and cannot be directed at only one other soul. and theres absolutly nothing I can do to change that.
Now ive accepted, I have the power to make the peaceful decision of appreicating the gift that fate has already placed within my life. He has his faults but i am a blessed woman. And there is absolutly no reason why i should rid that of my life right now. But he IS being tested. Why, I have no idea, I just hope hes prepared fr it.
From this peacful decision comes a powerful realisation. Now, then, before. Time. everything happens for a very good reason, and life times things so incredibly impeccablly, to the milli second, in order for the perfection of its beauty to be realised by the whole human race, and for each person to follow the path of their destiny.
I know that it would be wrong to block people out of your life because its easier than knowing that they are there and are ruining whats in your life already because your scared of your feelings. i know that i will have to make alot of drastic choices one day, but the time is not now.
iM always saying to myself that life is so unexpected, but i am still getting suprised and shocked at what falls in my lap. why? it doesnt really matter. but i do know that where ever it is that i imagaine to be in a few years time will be nothing like where i actually will be, who ever i will be with will be someone i could of never have guessed.
so then why the fuck worry about future things like that, when nothing will be like you think it will be, and when the time will come you just end up laughing at how much energy you wasted and the pain it caused you, cus none of what you were worrying about didnt even happen?
I have NO control. it is beyond my comprehension to know what will happen. if the earth fucks up and we are all doomed to die, then the entire world will be forced to think of the same thing, and appreciate what they have before the doom comes upon them. there are so much stronger forces then us, that most of us are not aware of, and will never have power over, no matter how much we struggle against them
And so I now sit and contemplate about those two paths, and the summing of the pros and cons. And think even if i did calculate the probability of which one would take me to a better place, I would be wrong. Becasue i can only see up to the horizon of both paths, but any further I cannot fathom to imagine.
Do not try to calculate life. It is not an equation. Its a beautiful, complicated melody, in which we can either sing really out of tune too, or dance to the rythem of in perfect harmony. Either way, whether we like it or not this melody of life has no sustainability, and changes with every breathe of the wind......................
