Sonethings I wonder, if these 'lessons' that im constantly learning will ever cease and I will know how to go about living my life perfectly, teaching others to follow my path. Probably not, but i guess it brings more meaning to lifes journey.
It was amazing to see the man I love - he was positively glowing with happiness, his appearance was different, but at the same time he was more like himself. Like the Italian part of is soul had become external. I could feel how natural he felt within his enviornment, and knew that he was much more comfortable and relaxed in Italy then England will ever be able to provide him.
As soon as I arrived at the airport, I was all prepared and expected for enlightening experiences and breathtaking views that would shake the depths of my soul. The same feeling I get when im meditating sometimes. But what happened wasnt really what I expected, I guess I didnt think it through enough, or probably thought about it too much.
Lesson no 1. Dont think too much about what somethings going to be like, Life is one of the most unexpected and random things. It will always suprise you.
Being in his arms again was so peaceful. His friends were very nice people, but I was very quickly reminded about my situation when I found that, most of the time, I had no idea what was going on, what they were laughing about and what everyones thoughts were - and they also didnt understand me. This was my first mistake, as I let the past slip into the equation then. Memories started flashing back from times where I felt so left out from not understanding the language that depression would very quickly sink in and arguments with ex boyfriends were hideous, energy draining and completley non productive.
So there were a few times on this holiday that I wanted to dissapear. But the idea of getting lost in a country that is very unfamiliar to me slightly put Me off. Of cousre I tried to talk the language but it was difficult, my vocabulary was very limited. And then feelings of guilt would start to arise as I felt like i was disturbing his way of life out there, not being able to join into most conversations. Then worry follows as I look in his direction and he tries to read my thoughts, guessing how im feeling and trying to make it better for me. Bless his lovely heart. And then adding to all of this, I would think about how less time I have with him and that i want to make the most of it, because when i go back i wouldnt know when i was going to speak to him again, or even see him again. Of course, the negative ball of emotion gwoing bigger and bigger has an effect on the lines of your face, so i didnt look to happy alot of the time
Lesson no 2. One negative drop of water in the river leads to another and another, eventually leading to huge gusing currents slowly posiening your mind. It important to realise this is happeneing to you before it gets too strong and irreversable effects occur. When you feel it happening. take a mental step back from your own mind, and watch yourself, watch how your brain is chasing its own tail - and laugh. Laugh at how ridiculous you are bieng, and how much evenrgy you are wasting on things that later on, just wont matter anymore.
The crazy beach party was fun. Although I didnt understand anyone, alcohol seems to make every one speak a language that everyone can express. Who said this stuff was bad for ya? Swimming in the sea at midnight, playing voleyball drunk is hilarious. Feeling a little depserate then normal about trying to make a good impression, I didnt realise that maybe i was accidental being too friendly to a particualr individual. After he tried kissing me a few times and touching me in places that were not friendly either, I tried to help him out with a few words. "Love you, first, before love for anyone else" He understood but still wouldnt leave me alone. Of course I didnt keep it to myself, it was obvious wat was going on anyway. On the last night of the holiday i saw him again, he came to eat dinner with us although i think he didnt realise we were there ar first. Carlo asked me if i felt uncomfortble being around him. I said no, and that he was a good guy, just did stupid things when he was drunk. I wanted to tell him that I forgive him, but didnt know how to say it in his language. But by the end of that night i could still feel his eyes on me and the vibes he was giving were exactly the same as they were at the party. Thankfully he left early.
Lesson no 3. Drunk people dont make mistakes. they just dont have any boundries in their heads anymore so do and say things that are true to themselves without the care of others opinions. Good way to find out peoples real intentions, even if they dont know them themselves.
Climbing the mountain was one of the best parts of the holiday. My sense of adeventure was on fire. We took a path that didnt even really exsit anymore.This and diving from rocks which is something ive never done before ~(and did very badly, seen as i managed to belly flop, the gossip of Terracina) I realised then that that is what my soul desires from this world the most. Experiences that ive never had before, climbing and seeing amazing things. I guess im a backpacker without a backpack :). As I reached the top and looked down at the town, i realised how much like torquay it reminded me, The beach was beautiful, and to be near the sea is such a healthy thing for the soul. But there was no oppertunity, no room for growth and change. Going to the beach in the day and club in the night is really the only thing that keeps the town alive. People get stuck there, as beautiful as it is, they are still stuck, and ive always belived its not natural for human beings of my age and generation to be stuck.
Lesson 4. Im not a beach holiday person. Once ive had one/two days at the beach im contect to move onto the next experience. Thats when i realised, i wasnt there on holiday, i was there only to see the man i love. And that was fine with me.
There is so much more passion in a country like italy. evern about the small things like food. Love is so much more evident. Friends show this love to one another, with lots of hugs and kisses instead of being embaressed about it. And thats something that i could definiatly relate and embrace while i was there, as expressing love to the world is one of my favourite pasttimes :)
Lesson number 5. try to stay in the present moment at all times, exspecially at times like that, the future will only destroy the possible happy times that you are suppose to be submerged in.
Luckily i realised the above, and even though its alot easier said then done, i managed to hack it a few times. On the night of my brithday, it just so happens the only italin musician i know had a cover band playing down at the beach where one of carlos friend worked at a restaurant. It was my last night.We danced together on the sand, compltely sober. It felt like the old times back in southampton at Whitehouse when we were only friends. The connection was still there, but this time we could cross boundries. Everything about that moment was special in every sense, and this was when the shivers really started to appear.
It was after this moment that something changed within me. Like the love i was feeling had upped a level - a level ive never experienced before. I was on a natural high, and didnt care what happened next aslong as i was by his side.
And then the next day, i left. I went through security looked at his face, walked a little further and couldnt see it anymore. and thats when it hit me. I ran to the nearest toilet before anybody could see me, and screamed in silence while i let the floods of tears escape my eyes....
From then until now, ive experienced a sadness i had forgotten exsisted. Like a part of me has been ripped away, its still lying on the sand looking at the stars, in a moment where nothing else matters in the universe and i asked nothing from it.
Now i ask for salvation. For replenishment. For the stregnth to get past the negativity that i know is not me but dwells inside me. To love but not to miss loving. To have an attachement but not feel lost when detached from it.
Most importantly, i pray for my bitter thoughts about the future of my relationship to be eradicated. And to be replaced by the most powerful force in the exsistence of man. Ultimate Acceptance -
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