No Pain, No Gain

Recently Ive been sent through a whirlwind of physical pain. Starting with the teeth, they say its the worst pain in the body as its nerves are closest to the brain. Waves of migrane, not being able to sleep, look at bright lights, feeling sick when ever I moved, then having to do a very loud bar shift full of drunk people and an irish band who were amazing but were making my headbang with every beat they played. After this ordeal started to calm down, the weakest part of my body decided to give in again, resulting in not being able to walk, and even lying down with my legs up, the pain was throbbing up and down my foot stopping me sleeping but still having to do alot of hard physical work for work the next day.

Looking back it on it now, it was probably one of the most difficult working days of my entire life. It was literally a struggle to walk, so everything else I was doing for 7 hours on top of that was nearly impossible. I hadnt had chance to rest my ankle, and I could feel every step I took my body was resisting, telling me to stop

Through this 1 week of turmoil, where there wasnt really a minute I wasnt in pain, I did alot of thinking. My philosophy that everything happens for a reason was weakening - Id recently helped out quite alot of people and couldnt think of one bad thing that I had done to be punished in such a way. Usually I figure it out and helps me direct myself and my life again, but this time there was nothing to justify it.

Then I started thinking, if everything happens for a reason and good and bad are figments of our imagination, then why can I not turn this situation into it happening for a good reason? Why cant pain be good? Ive heard people say pain is good, because it means the body is working hard to fix itself, but Im not sure about that theory.

So I changed my perspective. What did pain actually do for my mind? Well when Im in pain, its all I seem to think about. All my thoughts were directed towards it, hoping it would stop soon, what I can do to get rid of it, the levels of pain ect..

I found that pain was actually very grounding. It took my mind off the past, the future, and it made me concentrate on whats happening now,  living for the present moment. And I realised how healthy that actually is. And we all know The Power Of Now (the book that took me out of depression a year ago).

So I am grateful for it. For one week my mind has not been poisened with the past and future thoughts that destroy us all slowly and leads to stress and our eventual downfall.

Because of my 1 week of pain, Ive prolonged my beautiful life. Next time your in pain, this attitude will cause you absolutly no harm to implement :)

The Power Of Now is The Present. Open it!

Never feel like your at home anywhere? Heres a differerent way of thinking about it :)

Casa Dolce Casa

North, East, South, West

Which feels right? Which feels best?

To the highest mountain

or the warmest seas

I look for home

But not with ease

The place of my birth

Full of familiarity

Does not feel like my home

With its layers of memories

An exotic country

What im most fond of

Doesn't contain the feeling

Of peace, of hope, of Love

Thats when I realise

That 'home' is not fixed

Its not found around me

It has no door or bricks

Its the inner emotions

When inside your embrace

Enclosed in your soul

Lost in Time, In space

Peace is in your presence

Comfort in the love you provide

My home is where my heart is

And my heart never leaves your side

REMINDER: Dont ever forget the power of love

With me without me

When I gaze into the starry sky at night

Contemplating the galaxy's delight

Its then that I catch the scent of your hair

and feel your embrace, holding me tight.

Walking along the stony shore clearing my thoughts

in a cold but calming sea side town

I suddenly sense your warm hand inside mine

Hearing your voice a precious, soothing sound

When I wrap myself inside my bed at night

Only the smell of your clothes accompany me

I long for your feet to rub mine gently

Filling a heart that craves your affection deeply

Forgive me my treasure, for my bitter thoughts that make no vital sense

Its soley because the love and compassion that I possess for you is so immense

So whatever it is that I do in my life, I will always know that this much is clear

Everywhere I go, I'm uplifted by the power of your presence, for you are always near.

Forever with me, my dear.

My question answered. My Theory Confirmed. The Timing is Perfect. I Love this World

"I love you, because all the loves in the world are like different rivers flowing into the same lake, where they meet and are transformed into a single love that becomes rain and blesses the earth"

I knew I wasnt crazy. I knew i wasnt commiting a sin and I knew I had no reason to be guilty. I was just a little afraid that this may not be true because ive never heard anyone else talk about how they love more that one person at the same, with the same intensity and admit it as a good, natural and normal thing.

But Paulo Coelho understands. He Accepts. He embraces. He quotes the above in his new book The Aleph, explains his most recent discovery - although he loves his wife of 25 years, hes in love with a girl half his age who he hardly knows (it is partly to do with thier ancestors having been lovers hundreds of years ago and they both can feel this using 'the aleph' in each others eyes but still) And I start to read it now? And now this proves my thoery on the universes perfect timing with my life.

I can now live in peace untill the next challenge life throws at me

The sun has a thousand faces, why should love have only one?

He came back into my life out of nowhere - like an earth quake stretching the earths crust, our eyes met and the storm hit.The connection is so undeniable and infinite, and we both know it, despite the fact its never said.

Memories flash back like wild fire, everyone to each beat of my heart. Thats the very painful moment when guilt hits like a hammer and thoughts stumble back to the soul in which I share my life with at home waiting for me.

I automatically understand that there is no measure for any of these feelings. I just dont understand why such events had to occur within my life in order for my heart to be stretched into two opposite directions.

Fear of sinning kicks in. Im I bad person? A slut? A lonely little girl that gets bored easily, and ruins other peoples life like judgement day??????..............

Of course not. The mind slowly starts to clear.................. I  have always believed that its against mother nature to ever put any kind of restictions or limitations on any matters of the heart.............there isnt enough love being shown to make the world go round happily right? So why should I.....

How has this type of living effected my life, or made it different to a person who do put limitations on thier heart?

I go out do things and live life to the absolute max, taking hold of every opportunity as much as i can, do crazy stuff, meet as many new people as possible feeding my passion to teach and to learn from others. I wouldnt say everyone lived like that, although i do reccomend it to every person i talk to on a regular basis, as it does make you feel alive

And ive found that this generates alot of love for people. The only problem is, as I start spreading this love, it  then starts attaching. and thats usually when I get into trouble, because todays society has brought us all up to belive your suppose to love only one person your entire life.

Then my head rudely interrupts and flashes at me that i have to make a decision between the two and fast because the mind cant handle the thought of loving two people so immensly at the same time........A distant voice chants at me......

follow my heart follow my heart, follow my heart..........

Yes I know! But what if the heart is showing two paths, which do you take? and what would be the reasons in which to choose the right path? how could justify them to be "right" or "wrong"?

My head replies, by starting to imagine what it would be like to take each path and then summing up the pro's and con's like a mathmatically equation or a logical scientifc method to see which one would be more benefical for me..........


.....................................I love you i love you i love you, but i love you too.......................... ... ... and thats why i should do what I should do..................waaaat....??????????????????????? Now nothing mathmatically or scientifically makes any logical sense.

Ugh!!!!
.................
...............
.......................



Everything goes quiet, I manage to find a tiny moment of peace. And thats when I became inspired.

There can only one possible solution - absolute acceptance. Acceptance that yes my heart can be split into two, or maybe even more peices, but i cant be with everybody at the same time.

So this is a pact for myself.

From this day forward I will first - accept that I am in love with more than one person. I always have been, and I always will be. Because love is infinite and cannot be directed at only one other soul. and theres absolutly nothing I can do to change that.

Now ive accepted, I have the power to make the peaceful decision of appreicating the gift that fate has already placed within my life. He has his faults but i am a blessed woman. And there is absolutly no reason why i should rid that of my life right now. But he IS being tested. Why, I have no idea, I just hope hes prepared fr it.

From this peacful decision comes a powerful realisation. Now, then, before. Time. everything happens for a very good reason, and life times things so incredibly impeccablly, to the milli second, in order for the perfection of its beauty to be realised by the whole human race, and for each person to follow the path of their destiny.

I know that it would be wrong to block people out of your life because its easier than knowing that they are there and are ruining whats in your life already because your scared of your feelings. i know that i will have to make alot of drastic choices one day, but the time is not now.

iM always saying to myself that life is so unexpected, but i am still getting suprised and shocked at what falls in my lap. why? it doesnt really matter. but i do know that where ever it is that i imagaine to be in a few years time will be nothing like where i actually will be, who ever i will be with will be someone i could of never have guessed.

so then why the fuck worry about future things like that, when nothing will be like you think it will be, and when the time will come you just end up laughing at how much energy you wasted and the pain it caused you, cus none of what you were worrying about didnt even happen?

I have NO control. it is beyond my comprehension to know what will happen. if the earth fucks up and we are all doomed to die, then the entire world will be forced to think of the same thing, and appreciate what they have before the doom comes upon them. there are so much stronger forces then us, that most of us are not aware of, and will never have power over, no matter how much we struggle against them

And so I now sit and contemplate about those two paths, and the summing of the pros and cons. And think even if i did calculate the probability of which one would take me to a better place, I would be wrong. Becasue i can only see up to the horizon of both paths, but any further I cannot fathom to imagine.

Do not try to calculate life. It is not an equation. Its a beautiful, complicated melody, in which we can either sing really out of tune too, or dance to the rythem of in perfect harmony. Either way, whether we like it or not this melody of life has no sustainability, and changes with every breathe of the wind......................

Friends? What? Where?

Moving city and then holding a 21st Birthday Party a few months after, is the strangest thing in the world.

Its one of those experiences where great realisations happen to you about two aspects of your life. Your Past situation and your Present situation. And at this event, it was all laid out before my eyes as clear as day.....


Inviting all the people that are still important today, from the Past. Giving them plenty of notice as there is understanding of the small journey that must be taken from the previous city, these things take a bit of planning.

The the invitiations to the people youve come accross in the new life, the friends made within the last few months. But the invitiations are a little different, a little more laid back approach is taken, as the time hasnt been long and the feeling of uncomfortableness or awkwardness is not wanted to be felt, so the impression is given that the party is more of an impromptu get together.

A few weeks pass and alot of thoughts are mulled through. Who from the the past will get on with who from the present? Who will match who? A glowing feeling apears as the realisation that everyone thats appreciated and loved in this phase of life will be together, having a blast - one of the greatest feelings human beings are to be blessed with in this lifetime.

The days draw closer to that one date, and slowly, one by one, the people from the past begin to drop out. Wont risk the normal daily grind of their lives. First, the closest people, then the others. The excuses in thier messages are lengthy, like they had to explain every bit of detail of their excuse, in case it made some difference. A bewildering concept - the purpose never understood.


One week before the party. A connection is made between two strangers. This other person understands the importance of the connection almost instantly. The invitiation is offered to the party and accepted. Strange to most, but feelings that are followed is the path to destiny.

The day of the party comes. The friends from the present, most of them dont turn up, and dont give a reason for it either. Its the way they have placed people as priority in thier head. However, not much thought is put into this, as this is a situation capable of change within the future. These people may realise that one day, they may need help. And who would be able to offer thier aid? Maybe the person whos party it is? Then they may think about turning up to the next one. Maybe when this happens it may trigger something in thier minds. The one and true valuable lesson of life that the human race need to grasp - That EVERY person you come accross in life play a vital role in that persons fate. Each person that passes through has something to teach, whether that person realises it or not, therefore it is important not to discard any1 as not a priorty.

Everyone has so much to teach, but even more so to learn.

Some people from the present turn up for the most self involved reasons, and leave quickly. Blame is not inflicted apon them, only pity that they allow each experience to be so shallow to them.

The person known only for 1 week turns up and is the heart of the party. Everyone else are people that know how important it is in life to forget about 'responsibilites' they have yesterday, tomorrow, or even in a few hours and actually enjoy yourself, actually make yourself feel alive - actually live. And also know how important connections are. They have an inclin that these connections are actually sparks of true love. And when this true love sparks, favours such as coming celebrate being 21 are dealth with without a shadow of a doubt.

Appreciation for this people exsits  so powerfully. But unfortuantly, with a great sadness, that there are so few of these people in this world.

Hurry up 2012 show these people the light, the higher level, the beautiful art of true love which created the universe. People need to be more connected. If every1 in the world was a tiny bulb, in which we all connected to each other, just imagine how brightly our world would shine in the galaxy ... or the living room.........

And if i fall with all the strength i have inside, I wouldnt be standing alone tonight.

It feels wrong to have experienced a trip somewhere so beautiful, and not write something down. I learnt so much. And im not talking about thing that fill the capacity of my mind, but things so much deeper than that.

Sonethings I wonder, if these 'lessons' that im constantly learning will ever cease and I will know how to go about living my life perfectly, teaching others to follow my path. Probably not, but i guess it brings more meaning to lifes journey.

It was amazing to see the man I love - he was positively glowing with happiness, his appearance was different, but at the same time he was more like himself. Like the Italian part of is soul had become external. I could feel how natural he felt within his enviornment, and knew that he was much more comfortable and relaxed in Italy then England will ever be able to provide him.

As soon as I arrived at the airport, I was all prepared and expected for enlightening experiences and breathtaking views that would shake the depths of my soul. The same feeling I get when im meditating sometimes. But what happened wasnt really what I expected, I guess I didnt think it through enough, or probably thought about it too much.

Lesson no 1. Dont think too much about what somethings going to be like, Life is one of the most unexpected and random things. It will always suprise you.

Being in his arms again was so peaceful. His friends were very nice people, but I was very quickly reminded about my situation when I found that, most of the time, I had no idea what was going on, what they were laughing about and what everyones thoughts were - and they also didnt understand me. This was my first mistake,  as I let the past slip into the equation then. Memories started flashing back from times where I felt so left out from not understanding the language that depression would very quickly sink in and arguments with ex boyfriends were hideous, energy draining and completley non productive.

So there were a few times on this holiday that I wanted to dissapear. But the idea of getting lost in a country that is very unfamiliar to me slightly put Me off. Of cousre I tried to talk the language but it was difficult, my vocabulary was very limited. And then feelings of guilt would start to arise as I felt like i was disturbing his way of life out there, not being able to join into most conversations. Then worry follows as I look in his direction and he tries to read my thoughts, guessing how im feeling and trying to make it better for me. Bless his lovely heart. And then adding to all of this, I would think about how less time I have with him and that i want to make the most of it, because when i go back i wouldnt know when i was going to speak to him again, or even see him again. Of course, the negative ball of emotion gwoing bigger and bigger has an effect on the lines of your face, so i didnt look to happy alot of the time

Lesson no 2. One negative drop of water in the river leads to another and another, eventually leading to huge gusing currents slowly posiening your mind. It important to realise this is happeneing to you before it gets too strong and irreversable effects occur. When you feel it happening. take a mental step back from your own mind, and watch yourself, watch how your brain is chasing its own tail - and laugh. Laugh at how ridiculous you are bieng, and how much evenrgy you are wasting on things that later on, just wont matter anymore.

The crazy beach party was fun. Although I didnt understand anyone, alcohol seems to make every one speak a language that everyone can express. Who said this stuff was bad for ya? Swimming in the sea at midnight, playing voleyball drunk is hilarious. Feeling a little depserate then normal about trying to make a good impression, I didnt realise that maybe i was accidental being too friendly to a particualr individual. After he tried kissing  me a few times and touching me in places that were not friendly either, I tried to help him out with a few words. "Love you, first, before love for anyone else" He understood but still wouldnt leave me alone. Of course I didnt keep it to myself, it was obvious wat was going on anyway. On the last night of the holiday i saw him again, he came to eat dinner with us although i think he didnt realise we were there ar first. Carlo asked me if i felt uncomfortble being around him. I said no, and that he was a good guy, just did stupid things when he was drunk. I wanted to tell him that I forgive him, but didnt know how to say it in his language. But by the end of that night i could  still feel his eyes on me and the vibes he was giving were exactly the same as they were at the party. Thankfully he left early.

Lesson no 3. Drunk people dont make mistakes. they just dont have any boundries in their heads anymore so do and say things that are true to themselves without the care of others opinions. Good way to find out peoples real intentions, even if they dont know them themselves.

Climbing the mountain was one of the best parts of the holiday. My sense of adeventure was on fire. We took a path that didnt even really exsit anymore.This and diving from rocks which is something ive never done before ~(and did very badly, seen as i managed to belly flop, the gossip of Terracina)  I realised then that that is what my soul desires from this world the most. Experiences that ive never had before, climbing and seeing amazing things. I guess im a  backpacker without a backpack :). As I reached the top and looked down at the town, i realised how much like torquay it reminded me, The beach was beautiful, and to be near the sea is such a healthy thing for the soul. But there was no oppertunity, no room for growth and change. Going to the beach in the day and club in the night is really the only thing that keeps the town alive. People get stuck there, as beautiful as it is, they are still stuck, and ive always belived its not natural for human beings of my age and generation to be stuck.

Lesson 4. Im not a beach holiday person. Once ive had one/two days at the beach im contect to move onto the next experience. Thats when i realised, i wasnt there on holiday, i was there only to see the man i love. And that was fine with me.

There is so much more passion in a country like italy. evern about the small things like food. Love is so much more evident. Friends show this love to one another, with lots of hugs and kisses instead of being embaressed about it. And thats something that i could definiatly relate and embrace while i was there, as expressing love to the world is one of my favourite pasttimes :)

Lesson number 5. try to stay in the present moment at all times, exspecially at times like that, the future will only destroy the possible happy times that you are suppose to be submerged in. 

Luckily i realised the above, and even though its alot easier said then done, i managed to hack it a few times. On the night of my brithday, it just so happens the only italin musician i know had a cover band playing down at the beach where one of carlos friend worked at a restaurant. It was my last night.We danced together on the sand, compltely sober. It felt like the old times back in southampton at Whitehouse when we were only friends. The connection was still there, but this time we could cross boundries. Everything about that moment was special in every sense, and this was when the shivers really started to appear.

It was after this moment that something changed within me. Like the love i was feeling had upped a level - a level ive never experienced before. I was on a natural high, and didnt care what happened next aslong as i was by his side.

And then the next day, i left. I went through security looked at his face, walked a little further and couldnt see it anymore. and thats when it hit me. I ran to the nearest toilet before anybody could see me, and screamed in silence while i let the floods of tears escape my eyes....

From then until now, ive experienced a sadness i had forgotten exsisted. Like a part of me has been ripped away, its still lying on the sand looking at the stars, in a moment where nothing else matters in the universe and i asked nothing from it.

Now i ask for salvation. For replenishment. For the stregnth to get past the negativity that i know is not me but dwells inside me. To love but not to miss loving. To have an attachement but not feel lost when detached from it.

Most importantly, i pray for my bitter thoughts about the future of my relationship to be eradicated. And to be replaced by the most powerful force in the exsistence of man. Ultimate Acceptance -

"Quando guarda alla luna, pensa di me, perche promettio sara guardando la stessa luna allo stesso tempo, pensando a te"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TppCSd60yQY