How to Love? Bubbles and stuff :)

I read a book once. Its crazy how reading one book can completely transform your mind structure, and make you look at just about everything in your whole life in a different perspective, an aspect you wouldnt of dreamed of before.

I learnt many things from it, but the things that stands out the most would be its description of energy. And from this point my imagination went crazy. As the book described, every human has an auora around them, like a big bubble of energy. If someone was content it would be of normal size. However if you watched that person interact with other humans, you can aparently see this energy bubble change size. If someone was being flirty, or just generally positive around you, you can see this positive persons energy suddnely flow into the other persons energy bubble making it bigger. And if this person reacts in a positive manner back to this person, you can see this flow of energy being exchanged back. However, if someone was to interact in a threatening manner, generally nasty, or even, not saying anything at all, you can see this person drawing all the other persons energy bubble into thier own bubble, creating an energy bubble twice the size as he/shes own. The power that person would feel would be immense, but the victim would feel drained, tired and just literally have no 'energy'.

I think that its always important when interacting with other humnas to have a balanced flow of energy. So when Im in the latter situation, I say, go get your bloody energy back. It was yours to start with and you cant function properlly without it so go get it back.

I guess like everything in life, its harder said then done. Many times in my life, ive happilly let other people take my energy and not got it back. But Recently Ive had a sudden realisation. Its because at these times I feel i havnt enuough Self-Worth.

Another quick flashback? (its all about flashback these days)

17 years old and I was falling for this guy big time. Crazy feelings I had for him. I was all about following my heart  at this point in my life, so i let things happen. One week after we decided we should try something, we were both invited to a party. But it wasnt just any normal kind of party, this is one that started at midngiht, in an unknown place to the police which ended up being a feild in the middle of nowhere, and was known to last about 48 Hours. I didnt really think about any concequences, I just wanted to be with him. First thing i noticed was the crazy amount of drugs there... it was so strange for me to see, I was brought up by an indian man the indian way, drugs were so shamed upon, and i thought they were just evil. a few hours past, and He dissapears. 1 hours, 2 hours pass again and i start to get worried. I finally found him... but he couldnt put two words togther properly. then he started to walk but fell, and was saying he  had lost control of his legs. I put two and two togther and knew what he had taken.


Why was i interested in a man that did this stuff and acted like that? these were my thoughts as i refused to party anymore and went back to the car to sleep. Woke up and the party was still on at 3pm the next afternoon. I just wanted to go home, but we had to hitch a lift with another bunch of drugged up people in the back of a lorry, which were not in a hurry to go anywhere. when we finally left after alot more drug taking by these guys we had to stop at sum 1's house before coming to my town. they stopped, they snorted more... and i just exploded with anger and shouted at everyone. it was only at that point when He saw my tears of fustration that He realised how i felt. He apologised, for days. non stop ringing.


When i met with him a few days after he was still pleading. I asked him to promise me never to take anything again if he wanted to be with me, cus i just wasnt like that. He promised. I got back with him, And that was my mistake. Because he did do it again, and more them once, and then he started  fimding excuses for it being the right thing to do....

my self worth went crashing down, my mind twisted, and I thought that I must deserve a man like that, for me there was no other explanation. Lathargic was the word of that relationship, because its how i felt ALL the time. Of course I gave and gave and gave and his bubble was constantly mulitplied in size.... and i was left with nothing.

But now ive found a method. Close your eyes and imagine yourself from the outside circle, looking in at you, judging you as a seperate person. and then think of all the good things about that person your looking at, all the positive aspects of that person that is you inside the circle. THAT is what you are worth. THAT is how much you should be appreciated, should you choose to share your life with someone so intimately.

YOU dont deserve any less then that. You dont deserve anything but your own bubble of energy that was orignally yours, thats natuarlly yours as a right, a human right, to have since the day you were born. NO ONE has the right to take that away from you and note give anything back.

Out of all the things i listed that i appreciated in my last blog, the appreciation of myself has only just been realised (thanks to special people in my life ), and its importance outweighs them all.

you cannot love others untill youve learnt to love yourself 

5 bolts of lightening may make you forget the rain....

The days grow dark, the nights pitch black.... and so this shadow starts to infect the deep corners of my mind.  First its subtle, but slowly it starts to spread like wildfire, gripping my heart, sometimes fully, making it hard to breathe. Winter it seems, brings much negativity with its cold icy fingers. With its bitterness it plants these ideas - ideas that turns into fears. And its not just any fear. Its unnecessary, obsessive, stupidly uncontrollable - and suprisngly deep rooted.

In these dark times we must be cautions. Wary that it could have so much power over us. Careful not to fall too deep to this overwhelming fate. 

I found a trick. Works for me every single time. Brings warmth and light to my life when inspiration is lacking and the darkness fights to take over my thoughts. 

Those moments in your life - the special ones. the unforgettable ones. They usually only last for a few seconds, but they contain mainly one important factor - pure and intensified happiness. They derive soley from one aspect of positivity - Appreciation. 

Now if i think of 5 of these moments in my head, and open my eyes, black turns into grey, coldness has been replaced with a warm atmosphere, and the heavyness wieghing on my heart lifts. My world is literally transformed.

Ill share my experience, and give 5 examples - of course ive had many more of these moments in my life, as I like to think i appreciate alot of things, but 5 will do for now.

1. I was about 8 years old. I never had many toys. But a little girl still dreams. Still looks in woolworths everyday, looking at that Anastacia jewelry box that sings when you open it. £23 - i might get it in my dreams. Of course my dad knew about it, but i knew he couldnt afford it. Every friday he would walk into the school and demand to see my work for that week. The teachers thought he was a freak, but if i had done well, he would buy me a little something in town. I made sure i worked hard all the time. one time he didnt go in for a few weeks. when he did come in and saw my work he took me into town and bought me that jewelry box. i felt like my whole life had been lifted up into heaven. My dad saved his pennies for weeks, just to make me experience that feeling. 

- Thank you

2. Ten years old in India. Children must go to bed quite early. But I heard the indian music! the adults were playing it loud. I had grown to love that music, it just made me move. Apparently i was a natural bollywood dancer, did all the moves perfectly and no one had taught me - but only in the day time when no one was around. Please grandad, dad, can we (me and my sis) dance with you? He answered, Well you girls are on holiday, why not! We put our indian clothing on and danced the night away with all the adults. Not the first time I felt pure happiness on the dance floor though, and definitely not the last.

- Thank you

3. 13 years old and i finally have a brother. im walking to the hospital. but it was like gasping for air, i was so in need for this positive experience that i knew was so close to me. Being burnt out of our flat and moving every few months to a differnt B&B is not something a hormonal teenager goes through very well. I saw the bundle of white cloth at the side of the hospital bed. these two Blue eyes gazed up at me. they were like two lights from heaven. I sat down in shock at how beautiful he looked. he was passed into my arms, and it was like a jolt of electricity that went right through me. He gripped my little finger really tight and didnt let go. Pure, undivided love was established at that very moment, that i knew would last for the rest of my life. I love you Costa Rouvas Singh Sethi, and I am always there for you.

- Thank you

4. 14, Still living with dad. His music studio had grown. It looked so professionally amazing, so many speakers so much equipment, and the sound was just amazing. I use to just sit there and watch him sometimes, with his crazy experiments, like some kind of sound scientist, its fascinating. One time, he literally said 'Maria, come here. Ive got something to show you'. he explained he had been experimenting with sound formats. Mp3's are a certain quality, and a certain size. But he was making music in files that were ridciulously big because of  the huge amounts of detail and quality within them. He started to play this through high quality equipment. He said 'just dont worry my darling, everything will be alrite'. I started to think, why wouldnt it be? whats he talking about? I heard this sound, and my ears felt funny, they actually started to hurt. Dad said it was normal and not to worry. and before i could control it, tears were rolling down my face. tears of happiness that i couldnt control. I apologised and dad comforted me. Dont worry sweetheart, youve felt some sadness in your life, but thats the real power of music, in this quality, it brings all emotions out. Out of this world experience

-Thank you

5. Morroco - a few years ago. Holiday? more like Stress Test. I was there to experience culture, but the people i went with were there for alot different reasons. ones i couldnt understand. Language barriers, arguments and tears led me to feel very alone in a strange country. We took a car ride into the mountains. I had never seen mountains till this day, i was in awe. They were so beautiful. higher and higher we drove, untill we stopped for a break. i walked to the edge of the road, which was also the cliff.  I looked out infront of me. I was on the edge of the world, a beautiful one. I closed my eyes, put out my arms, and took a deep breath. Freedom. Best moment of that holiday.

-Thank You

6. Last Year - Spent the night with someone special. Woke up in the morning and just had this unexplainable joy inside of me. I felt like i had to sing. Those songs from the 60's full of jazzyness and soul. I  got up and starting youtube -ing these songs and singing at the top of my voice. He started to join me. We started dancing together in some old fashioned waltz thing we made up. Great company, great songs took the Lonliness away that i had previously been feeling and replaced it with happiness.

- Thank you

So i may have done 6, and got a bit carried away........point is made though :)

Oh, its dark is it? I didnt notice, sorry :)

This method may not work for everyone, but its got to work for most. And its definitely worth a shot when youve got nothing to loose. Write them down, think them out loud, or just randomly tell people about 5 amazing moments in your life, youd be surprised how different you will feel.

When the end of the road hits a brick wall.....

Time for another reflection. Another point needs to made, and its something that i keep forgetting. Maybe if i write it down here, it may somehow engrave itself more deeply. May save me more pain too. I can only hope....

Living with my mother has very few positive aspects to it. However I had to do it once, for half a year. I could say that I got to know her alot more in these 6 months then i did for the rest of my life....and although we managed to salvage some kind of motherly - daughter relationship in this time period, that was missing for so long, it was still too late in my child hood, at 16, for me to appreciate its maximum worth.

Actually i was scared alot. Alcohol was her best friend and i still didnt quite realise why people thought alcohol helped them forget things, so i thought i had the power to save the world, ya know, stop a 45 year old woman who was a heavy drinker to stop drinking.

its quite funny actually, when i look back at it, the things i did to try and help (key word here). Pouring bottles of wine down the drain when she wasnt looking, getting her to force glasses of water down her, refusing to go to shop, hiding her credit card. then there were the more serious things like, no mum i will not take my little sister to school tommorow morning instead of going to college, just because you want to drink tonight.

One night, i came back from my part time job. my older sister was in the lounge chilling with her boyfriend. my little sister fast asleep. No sign of mum

No one knows anything, untill i open her bedroom door. empty bottles wine on the floor. an open packet of some pills i didnt know (which she later claimed they just fell off the table and she didn't take any, hmm). and her unconscious on the floor, tangled underneath her desk. I was shocked at first. I genuinely thought she was improving because of all the things i was doing. i tried to wake her but no response. i rang the guy i was seeing at the time and asked his advice. i called the nhs helpline, and thats when i heard movement. thank fuck, she was alrite. she got up...... and started shouting. 'get off the phone, i dont want to get in trouble with the childrens services! I dont want to loose elina'. this was follwed by may hurtful comments about myself and my life. after many tears, i left the house - however, with the light a thte end of the tunnel and the silver lining around the cloud, upsetness was quickly replaced by huge realisation - this woman will never change, and my father has been trying to tell me that for the last 16 years, its funny i realise only then the true meaning of what he was saying.

from this, alot can be realised. it really is true what they say. some people CANNOT change. and some people just wont be helped, no matter how much effort you put in to do so, no matter if they related to you, no matter how much you love this person, some people have got to help themselves, and some need alot of time to do this. Its alot more productive to give them the time to do this then to keep trying to help, cus you only end up feeling trampled on.... and completely and utterlly emotionally drained.

Im sure whoevers reading this, thats the last thing in the world that you deserve :)

Oh and quick note - Im not telling these things for pity. or attention or anything like that. yes they are situations which most people may feel uncomfortable talking about nevermind posting them on a blog. But i dont see the point in that. Ive had them and Ive learned from them, and I wirte here only to share what I ive learned to benefit others. and im not trying to be god, or some preacher or something. just trying to contribute to the world, while trying to sort my own life. After all, woman and multi -tasking go hand in hand, they say ;)

The world is my playground.......please tell me its playtime soon :d

Routine. One of those things that you only realise how much it actually sucks, when your stuck in it and you can get out .... which sucks even more.

Ive recently been in this situation and it has been driving me crazy. Like, to the point where i can feel my head mentally reject it. it almost feels like, to wake up and do the same things everyday is completely unnatural, just wrong in every sense of the word.

Just like.... a machine. Yep theres definitely something robotic about it. But its not enough just to exist. we are not robots, we are flesh and blood, body and mind, and most importantly heart and soul. these two things in particular for me are the things that need fulfilling. and just existing, going through every day life.......just doesnt cut it.

we need to live and its change, its excitement, its doing the things you love instead of doing the things you feel like you MUST do, its being different, its being random, its being spectacularly spontaneous that really, hits that nail on the hammer..... of life.... lol

and whats a bonus is the memories that come out of living life like described above, they can be treasured. and used as a bright light in your life, in desperate dark times of need.

So if anybody ever wondered why I like maybe one too many parties, why, especially after a few, i need to do something crazy like jumping a few garden walls, jumping into a few seas at 2am, messing around with trolleys (because even nights out get a bit monotonous). if some have ever thought, why would i go off randomly travelling europe while trying to study, with no money to do so, and no help financially. and if some ever think, why i dye my hair a different colour so often.

well the answer is, im living. im expressing the passion i have for this life that has been given to me and exploring what it can provide for me. I may have a slight reputation for  being crazy, but many times ive heard people say, with you maria, i had an adventure. i remember that and this and i think about it alot. and to know that ive had a positive impact on peoples life that, is well, very inspiring for me.

So next time, your having a fairly normal day, just do something weird. dont have to be crazy, or big, or life threatening. just different. make that day a little more memorable then the one before or the one that will come. because you never know when these memories will be needed to dig you out of a black hole you may stumble in and have trouble escaping. it could just be the rope you need to pull you out of danger.

or the distraction you need for something you want to forget, but thats another story ;)