Drip drop....drip drop.... bang!

My last post ended with anything is possible. My first blog of 2012 and im here to tell you that the impossible has happened. and is still happening. And this has provided me with enough prove to figure out, that it will always happen for the rest of my life.

I showed a friend a book around a year ago. This friend didnt speak much english, so I breifly tried to describe what it was about in very basic language, i basically said - no past, no future, only now. and now is the best.

He looked at me with disinterest. I didnt see him for a long while after that. A few weeks ago, i receievd a message from him. He told me he had started reading a book which he thinks the authoer is one of my favourites and it has completely transformed his life. He said he was the happiest he has ever been and that it is something and it is a happiness that will last. Boy did i get the shivers.

My cousen recently came back into my life. Found out where i was living and decided to spend some time with me at the weekends. We dont do much. il take him out of course, fun is compulsory. but il cook alot and make sure hes ok. didnt think much of it really, i mean hes fam. But i also recieved a message from recently, saying that staying here brings so much happiness in his life, he just feels great being in my home. Now im shivering and in a state of shock...

A guy from the bar i work at. always felt he had a lovely auora but didnt really talk much as i dont get many shifts there.There was a time tho that i noticed a sadness in his eyes. couldnt do much about it without seeming like a weirdo. but fate decided to get us talking on the net. problems blurted out like they had been locked up for a long time. i came back with only ever positive responses. Not really thinking about it, and to be honest expecting to be ignored soon because there are alot of people that i meet and try and help that actually dont want the positivity.. By the end of the day, i got a message from him that he had just had a complete change around, and new jobs had been offered. he said he thought it was me and the positive energy id been giving him all day. By this point i was proper freaked out at myself......

What is it that makes the ripple travel accross the calm waters?

The small unimportant things that you do. The ones that have no meaning at the time. The ones that your heart tells you to do for no reason. The ones without the intention of anything in return.

I think there is something really important about realising what your actions will eventually result in. And even more important to have the patience to wait for the effects to be seen. It makes me appreciate how magical and impossible life really is. and if you dont embrace the magic of life then your not truely living.

How are you able to really see each ripple and its meaning, in the murky waters that is the current state of the world?

Heightened Awareness. Switching of the world in your head and absorbing the atmosphere and the enviornment is around you.

In order to see the effects of your actions, you must realise the potential of connections between two people. This is a skill we all have but have forgotten how to use.

When i meet people for the first time i can automatically tell if i am connected to that person. If i am, then life eventually makes them a much bigger part in my life, and you end up being a big part in theirs.
But i know there are allot of people who feel these connections and are scared of them and so try to pretend they dont exsist.

Its because they dont understand. People fear and avoid what they cant comprehend.

Its also the admittance of the connection being there. In the end the connection is the stem of the energy of love. Because people cannot accept that they are efectively in love with everyone they get along with and can have a good chinwag with. Because of the way we have distorted the meaning of love.

But why stop the energy flow? why imbalance the love in the world by pretending its not there? Surely Its an unnecessary blockage and  thats exactly whats caused most of the spiritual destruction on the earth.

I embrace these connections. I obviously know the limits but the connections are tehre for a reason. and the more i embrace them, the more i am aware of the energy flow between people and how beautiful it is, and the more i become aware of this, the more i am seeing positive results of actions in which once upon a time, i thought were completely meaningless.

Be aware, be open and most important of all, be present. You have so much to give to the world, and the world has undescribable, incomprehensible and impossible amounts to give back to you. Just make sure at that time, you are ready  to receieve it :)

When the years are collected
I pray that we are regretless
You and I the connected
You and I and the blood and the bone

Fight against your evil, and 2012 will be the change in the world we so desperatly need to see

Ever feel like you had a thought, and then you suddenly looked back on it and it didnt make sense because you didnt recognise yourself while thinking it?

Ive always believed that if you strip away all thoughts, you are left with your pure self. Stop thinking and you will find yourself. But of course, we have to think to survive as human beings.

What I wanna know is, where have we, along the line, managed to get thought attached to emotion, to the point where we create our own turmoil? Surely this isnt what nature inteneded?

But this isnt even the end of the story. Why is it, when we have that random and unrecognisable thought, is it SO hard to stop thinking it? Why is it, it gradually becomes an obsession, growing and mutating into conclusions that you didnt even know was possible to come to? Its at that point when we have to act other wise we will explode with negaitvy. We either blurt out all these thoughts out loud, or do something stupid based on those conclusions. And its only then, when it comes out into the real world, when you hear yourself or look at thte stupid thing you just did, when we realise, 'what the hell was i thinking?' If this realistion doesnt occur striaght away, then usually after a bit of  time, when the situation doesnt matter anymore it will definitly hit you. Times heals everything. God I love Time.

Its us that creates the one negtive thought. Society has brainwashed us into doing this. But for it to actually result in growing and mind control, well, maybe thats another form of being altogether. Eckhart calls it the 'Pain Body' which I forgot about until recently, and only made the effort to remember the term because Ive been feel8ing like this being has been having an effect on my life recently more then ever. But only because I have let it in.

If you have the will power to fight against it, then thats one step closer to never letting a negative thought control your head again. If your aware of it happening, if you can step outside the circle and look in, and recognise that that is what it is, thats another stepp closer. If you know that this being is doing this to you, and not blame yourself or feel any guilt for it, (as these are just more negative thoughts it can feed on and trust me its hungry) then you are yet another step closer,.

little steps, baby steps. its still progress nontheless.

Theres another factor that has to be taken into consideration though. If you let it grow, and even if your passing someone else in the street with a weak resistance to negtivity, it can attach itself to someone else, and manifest to the point that the other person effected could do something crazy that even they dont recognise in themselves.This is one of the things im most scared of. I know that if the pain body starts whispering in my ear i may fall to its words for a short time, but i know whats going on and im strong enough to eventually, when the head is clear, to fight it. But if in that short period of time i have passed it on, well im effectivly making the world a worse place to be in. and thats deifnitly not my intention.

When i first realsied this a year ago, i did everything in my power to stop it happening to me. It worked. I got everything i ever wanted in the space of two months.

Ive now been in a relationship for 10 months, 4 months of that has been long distance. And i have realised, if there is one thing that the pain body loves most to feed on, its long distance relationships. think of all the painful and strong emotions that are being felt by two people everyday. All the thoughts about what the other person is doing, or what you hope they are not doing. How much you want to be with that person but you cant, how just so unfair that is. And even when seeing each other, think of all the expectations of spending time with each other, and if these expectations arent met how much sadness can be created. Its heaven for this horrible being out to make peoples life a misery. No wonder most long distance doesnt work....

You have to be SO strong. SO resistant. So incredibly positive, push back every negative thought.

Will the strength inside me slowly die away and be distinguished one day?

I hope the power of love wil be enough to prevent my lamp from burning out. Love is all I believe in, so if it doesnt win the fight, I will not end up being the change I want to see in the world.

Christmas will be peaceful. A clear head will be needed for whats to come. Because after that the madness begins. 2012 is the year i plan to start maiking this difference. To live to the max, to makeas much happiness as possible. Join me. Fight the evil, rid the demons of  your life before 2012 comes, so we can enter a new year in peace and harmony, ready for anything, making ANYTHING possible.

My only wish, is for love to prevail. And that battle starts today.

No Pain, No Gain

Recently Ive been sent through a whirlwind of physical pain. Starting with the teeth, they say its the worst pain in the body as its nerves are closest to the brain. Waves of migrane, not being able to sleep, look at bright lights, feeling sick when ever I moved, then having to do a very loud bar shift full of drunk people and an irish band who were amazing but were making my headbang with every beat they played. After this ordeal started to calm down, the weakest part of my body decided to give in again, resulting in not being able to walk, and even lying down with my legs up, the pain was throbbing up and down my foot stopping me sleeping but still having to do alot of hard physical work for work the next day.

Looking back it on it now, it was probably one of the most difficult working days of my entire life. It was literally a struggle to walk, so everything else I was doing for 7 hours on top of that was nearly impossible. I hadnt had chance to rest my ankle, and I could feel every step I took my body was resisting, telling me to stop

Through this 1 week of turmoil, where there wasnt really a minute I wasnt in pain, I did alot of thinking. My philosophy that everything happens for a reason was weakening - Id recently helped out quite alot of people and couldnt think of one bad thing that I had done to be punished in such a way. Usually I figure it out and helps me direct myself and my life again, but this time there was nothing to justify it.

Then I started thinking, if everything happens for a reason and good and bad are figments of our imagination, then why can I not turn this situation into it happening for a good reason? Why cant pain be good? Ive heard people say pain is good, because it means the body is working hard to fix itself, but Im not sure about that theory.

So I changed my perspective. What did pain actually do for my mind? Well when Im in pain, its all I seem to think about. All my thoughts were directed towards it, hoping it would stop soon, what I can do to get rid of it, the levels of pain ect..

I found that pain was actually very grounding. It took my mind off the past, the future, and it made me concentrate on whats happening now,  living for the present moment. And I realised how healthy that actually is. And we all know The Power Of Now (the book that took me out of depression a year ago).

So I am grateful for it. For one week my mind has not been poisened with the past and future thoughts that destroy us all slowly and leads to stress and our eventual downfall.

Because of my 1 week of pain, Ive prolonged my beautiful life. Next time your in pain, this attitude will cause you absolutly no harm to implement :)

The Power Of Now is The Present. Open it!

Never feel like your at home anywhere? Heres a differerent way of thinking about it :)

Casa Dolce Casa

North, East, South, West

Which feels right? Which feels best?

To the highest mountain

or the warmest seas

I look for home

But not with ease

The place of my birth

Full of familiarity

Does not feel like my home

With its layers of memories

An exotic country

What im most fond of

Doesn't contain the feeling

Of peace, of hope, of Love

Thats when I realise

That 'home' is not fixed

Its not found around me

It has no door or bricks

Its the inner emotions

When inside your embrace

Enclosed in your soul

Lost in Time, In space

Peace is in your presence

Comfort in the love you provide

My home is where my heart is

And my heart never leaves your side

REMINDER: Dont ever forget the power of love

With me without me

When I gaze into the starry sky at night

Contemplating the galaxy's delight

Its then that I catch the scent of your hair

and feel your embrace, holding me tight.

Walking along the stony shore clearing my thoughts

in a cold but calming sea side town

I suddenly sense your warm hand inside mine

Hearing your voice a precious, soothing sound

When I wrap myself inside my bed at night

Only the smell of your clothes accompany me

I long for your feet to rub mine gently

Filling a heart that craves your affection deeply

Forgive me my treasure, for my bitter thoughts that make no vital sense

Its soley because the love and compassion that I possess for you is so immense

So whatever it is that I do in my life, I will always know that this much is clear

Everywhere I go, I'm uplifted by the power of your presence, for you are always near.

Forever with me, my dear.

My question answered. My Theory Confirmed. The Timing is Perfect. I Love this World

"I love you, because all the loves in the world are like different rivers flowing into the same lake, where they meet and are transformed into a single love that becomes rain and blesses the earth"

I knew I wasnt crazy. I knew i wasnt commiting a sin and I knew I had no reason to be guilty. I was just a little afraid that this may not be true because ive never heard anyone else talk about how they love more that one person at the same, with the same intensity and admit it as a good, natural and normal thing.

But Paulo Coelho understands. He Accepts. He embraces. He quotes the above in his new book The Aleph, explains his most recent discovery - although he loves his wife of 25 years, hes in love with a girl half his age who he hardly knows (it is partly to do with thier ancestors having been lovers hundreds of years ago and they both can feel this using 'the aleph' in each others eyes but still) And I start to read it now? And now this proves my thoery on the universes perfect timing with my life.

I can now live in peace untill the next challenge life throws at me

The sun has a thousand faces, why should love have only one?

He came back into my life out of nowhere - like an earth quake stretching the earths crust, our eyes met and the storm hit.The connection is so undeniable and infinite, and we both know it, despite the fact its never said.

Memories flash back like wild fire, everyone to each beat of my heart. Thats the very painful moment when guilt hits like a hammer and thoughts stumble back to the soul in which I share my life with at home waiting for me.

I automatically understand that there is no measure for any of these feelings. I just dont understand why such events had to occur within my life in order for my heart to be stretched into two opposite directions.

Fear of sinning kicks in. Im I bad person? A slut? A lonely little girl that gets bored easily, and ruins other peoples life like judgement day??????..............

Of course not. The mind slowly starts to clear.................. I  have always believed that its against mother nature to ever put any kind of restictions or limitations on any matters of the heart.............there isnt enough love being shown to make the world go round happily right? So why should I.....

How has this type of living effected my life, or made it different to a person who do put limitations on thier heart?

I go out do things and live life to the absolute max, taking hold of every opportunity as much as i can, do crazy stuff, meet as many new people as possible feeding my passion to teach and to learn from others. I wouldnt say everyone lived like that, although i do reccomend it to every person i talk to on a regular basis, as it does make you feel alive

And ive found that this generates alot of love for people. The only problem is, as I start spreading this love, it  then starts attaching. and thats usually when I get into trouble, because todays society has brought us all up to belive your suppose to love only one person your entire life.

Then my head rudely interrupts and flashes at me that i have to make a decision between the two and fast because the mind cant handle the thought of loving two people so immensly at the same time........A distant voice chants at me......

follow my heart follow my heart, follow my heart..........

Yes I know! But what if the heart is showing two paths, which do you take? and what would be the reasons in which to choose the right path? how could justify them to be "right" or "wrong"?

My head replies, by starting to imagine what it would be like to take each path and then summing up the pro's and con's like a mathmatically equation or a logical scientifc method to see which one would be more benefical for me..........


.....................................I love you i love you i love you, but i love you too.......................... ... ... and thats why i should do what I should do..................waaaat....??????????????????????? Now nothing mathmatically or scientifically makes any logical sense.

Ugh!!!!
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Everything goes quiet, I manage to find a tiny moment of peace. And thats when I became inspired.

There can only one possible solution - absolute acceptance. Acceptance that yes my heart can be split into two, or maybe even more peices, but i cant be with everybody at the same time.

So this is a pact for myself.

From this day forward I will first - accept that I am in love with more than one person. I always have been, and I always will be. Because love is infinite and cannot be directed at only one other soul. and theres absolutly nothing I can do to change that.

Now ive accepted, I have the power to make the peaceful decision of appreicating the gift that fate has already placed within my life. He has his faults but i am a blessed woman. And there is absolutly no reason why i should rid that of my life right now. But he IS being tested. Why, I have no idea, I just hope hes prepared fr it.

From this peacful decision comes a powerful realisation. Now, then, before. Time. everything happens for a very good reason, and life times things so incredibly impeccablly, to the milli second, in order for the perfection of its beauty to be realised by the whole human race, and for each person to follow the path of their destiny.

I know that it would be wrong to block people out of your life because its easier than knowing that they are there and are ruining whats in your life already because your scared of your feelings. i know that i will have to make alot of drastic choices one day, but the time is not now.

iM always saying to myself that life is so unexpected, but i am still getting suprised and shocked at what falls in my lap. why? it doesnt really matter. but i do know that where ever it is that i imagaine to be in a few years time will be nothing like where i actually will be, who ever i will be with will be someone i could of never have guessed.

so then why the fuck worry about future things like that, when nothing will be like you think it will be, and when the time will come you just end up laughing at how much energy you wasted and the pain it caused you, cus none of what you were worrying about didnt even happen?

I have NO control. it is beyond my comprehension to know what will happen. if the earth fucks up and we are all doomed to die, then the entire world will be forced to think of the same thing, and appreciate what they have before the doom comes upon them. there are so much stronger forces then us, that most of us are not aware of, and will never have power over, no matter how much we struggle against them

And so I now sit and contemplate about those two paths, and the summing of the pros and cons. And think even if i did calculate the probability of which one would take me to a better place, I would be wrong. Becasue i can only see up to the horizon of both paths, but any further I cannot fathom to imagine.

Do not try to calculate life. It is not an equation. Its a beautiful, complicated melody, in which we can either sing really out of tune too, or dance to the rythem of in perfect harmony. Either way, whether we like it or not this melody of life has no sustainability, and changes with every breathe of the wind......................