A Special Letter

I havnt blogged in a while and while there is a very good reason for this, I still feel some what slightly guilty. I am suppose to be spreading inspiration and positiveness to peoples life on a regular basis, but unfortunatly a recent encounter has led to the complete plummet of my emotions, and inspiration and positivty actaully cease to exsist. But I must write something. The world does not evolve around me and my self pity. It keeps turning and I must turn with it.

So I write a letter. I hope some people can relate and use it to thier advantage. The positive conlclusion to this blog will also be a part of this letter, instead of a seperate paragraph, so I hope it still has the same effect.

oh and this is the song I wrote it to. I suggest listening to it and reading too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jxvy7W9bqo

Dear Spr Sensible 

Life is full of mystery and passion. It is not there to tease you, and then take it away. Its only purpose is to be fully endulged and discovered, embraced and rejoiced, by everyone and anyone that is willing to recognise its worth.

Is it the mystery that you are so afriad of? If so, not only is it scaring you away, but also, it is providing the perfect cover to blind you to what virtue and opportunity there is. The possibilites of a steady flow of happiness could be placed to you right at the bottom of your feet, but your incapability in discovering the boundries of situations and then exploring what is beyond them  could, inevitably, lead to mournful sorrow and torturous regret, which maybe even Time itself, could not completely heal from your heart.

There is absolutly nothing wrong with better to be safe then sorry. And I understand perfectly well the protective mechanisms you have placed in order to make your life secure. To always be 100% fully prepared for every thing that may happen and to take complete control  of the happenings that you are certain of so that they roll into the direction you want them to go.  However, dear, nothing can be set in stone like that. Absolutly nothing ever goes, exactly according to plan. You may have already started to notice that at some points in your life already. But arent the most memorable moments in your life the ones  that consisted in taking a jump, a leap into the unknown?

Protective mechanisms are essential, of course. But with every mechanism, there is a fault. It can decrease the variety of emotions that you may never experience if you cusion yourself so much.

And the hiding. The burrying. The hollow Pretence. To watch how you do this to yourself  from this angle is almost unbearable. Of course it works, for you, for now. But after a long period of time, it may damage something inside. Such a shame that would be, as there is so much goodness that exsists in there. Cynism maybe a large part of you life, but underneath that, i have seen, the pureness of your heart. And its beautiful. Its rare. It should be highly treasured and appreciated by someone. Someone you regard as special.

I truely hope you realise the potential in what I am essentially attempting to open your eyes to. Not for my benefit, but more importantly for you and your future. There is so much that awaits you. If you sprint past the mysterious and you hide away from the passionate it may leave an emptiness within your heart, ultimately leading in the failure of what you must do in your life to the best of your ability.

Above all, try to remember this. Its not the things that you do, that makes you the person you are. Its the choices that you make, that determines these traits. 

Please, stop and think. Re evaluate your choices. Be the person you want to be, and not what you think you should be.

I wish you the best of luck, with everything.

And I will never forget what should always be remembered.

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How to Love? Bubbles and stuff :)

I read a book once. Its crazy how reading one book can completely transform your mind structure, and make you look at just about everything in your whole life in a different perspective, an aspect you wouldnt of dreamed of before.

I learnt many things from it, but the things that stands out the most would be its description of energy. And from this point my imagination went crazy. As the book described, every human has an auora around them, like a big bubble of energy. If someone was content it would be of normal size. However if you watched that person interact with other humans, you can aparently see this energy bubble change size. If someone was being flirty, or just generally positive around you, you can see this positive persons energy suddnely flow into the other persons energy bubble making it bigger. And if this person reacts in a positive manner back to this person, you can see this flow of energy being exchanged back. However, if someone was to interact in a threatening manner, generally nasty, or even, not saying anything at all, you can see this person drawing all the other persons energy bubble into thier own bubble, creating an energy bubble twice the size as he/shes own. The power that person would feel would be immense, but the victim would feel drained, tired and just literally have no 'energy'.

I think that its always important when interacting with other humnas to have a balanced flow of energy. So when Im in the latter situation, I say, go get your bloody energy back. It was yours to start with and you cant function properlly without it so go get it back.

I guess like everything in life, its harder said then done. Many times in my life, ive happilly let other people take my energy and not got it back. But Recently Ive had a sudden realisation. Its because at these times I feel i havnt enuough Self-Worth.

Another quick flashback? (its all about flashback these days)

17 years old and I was falling for this guy big time. Crazy feelings I had for him. I was all about following my heart  at this point in my life, so i let things happen. One week after we decided we should try something, we were both invited to a party. But it wasnt just any normal kind of party, this is one that started at midngiht, in an unknown place to the police which ended up being a feild in the middle of nowhere, and was known to last about 48 Hours. I didnt really think about any concequences, I just wanted to be with him. First thing i noticed was the crazy amount of drugs there... it was so strange for me to see, I was brought up by an indian man the indian way, drugs were so shamed upon, and i thought they were just evil. a few hours past, and He dissapears. 1 hours, 2 hours pass again and i start to get worried. I finally found him... but he couldnt put two words togther properly. then he started to walk but fell, and was saying he  had lost control of his legs. I put two and two togther and knew what he had taken.


Why was i interested in a man that did this stuff and acted like that? these were my thoughts as i refused to party anymore and went back to the car to sleep. Woke up and the party was still on at 3pm the next afternoon. I just wanted to go home, but we had to hitch a lift with another bunch of drugged up people in the back of a lorry, which were not in a hurry to go anywhere. when we finally left after alot more drug taking by these guys we had to stop at sum 1's house before coming to my town. they stopped, they snorted more... and i just exploded with anger and shouted at everyone. it was only at that point when He saw my tears of fustration that He realised how i felt. He apologised, for days. non stop ringing.


When i met with him a few days after he was still pleading. I asked him to promise me never to take anything again if he wanted to be with me, cus i just wasnt like that. He promised. I got back with him, And that was my mistake. Because he did do it again, and more them once, and then he started  fimding excuses for it being the right thing to do....

my self worth went crashing down, my mind twisted, and I thought that I must deserve a man like that, for me there was no other explanation. Lathargic was the word of that relationship, because its how i felt ALL the time. Of course I gave and gave and gave and his bubble was constantly mulitplied in size.... and i was left with nothing.

But now ive found a method. Close your eyes and imagine yourself from the outside circle, looking in at you, judging you as a seperate person. and then think of all the good things about that person your looking at, all the positive aspects of that person that is you inside the circle. THAT is what you are worth. THAT is how much you should be appreciated, should you choose to share your life with someone so intimately.

YOU dont deserve any less then that. You dont deserve anything but your own bubble of energy that was orignally yours, thats natuarlly yours as a right, a human right, to have since the day you were born. NO ONE has the right to take that away from you and note give anything back.

Out of all the things i listed that i appreciated in my last blog, the appreciation of myself has only just been realised (thanks to special people in my life ), and its importance outweighs them all.

you cannot love others untill youve learnt to love yourself 

5 bolts of lightening may make you forget the rain....

The days grow dark, the nights pitch black.... and so this shadow starts to infect the deep corners of my mind.  First its subtle, but slowly it starts to spread like wildfire, gripping my heart, sometimes fully, making it hard to breathe. Winter it seems, brings much negativity with its cold icy fingers. With its bitterness it plants these ideas - ideas that turns into fears. And its not just any fear. Its unnecessary, obsessive, stupidly uncontrollable - and suprisngly deep rooted.

In these dark times we must be cautions. Wary that it could have so much power over us. Careful not to fall too deep to this overwhelming fate. 

I found a trick. Works for me every single time. Brings warmth and light to my life when inspiration is lacking and the darkness fights to take over my thoughts. 

Those moments in your life - the special ones. the unforgettable ones. They usually only last for a few seconds, but they contain mainly one important factor - pure and intensified happiness. They derive soley from one aspect of positivity - Appreciation. 

Now if i think of 5 of these moments in my head, and open my eyes, black turns into grey, coldness has been replaced with a warm atmosphere, and the heavyness wieghing on my heart lifts. My world is literally transformed.

Ill share my experience, and give 5 examples - of course ive had many more of these moments in my life, as I like to think i appreciate alot of things, but 5 will do for now.

1. I was about 8 years old. I never had many toys. But a little girl still dreams. Still looks in woolworths everyday, looking at that Anastacia jewelry box that sings when you open it. £23 - i might get it in my dreams. Of course my dad knew about it, but i knew he couldnt afford it. Every friday he would walk into the school and demand to see my work for that week. The teachers thought he was a freak, but if i had done well, he would buy me a little something in town. I made sure i worked hard all the time. one time he didnt go in for a few weeks. when he did come in and saw my work he took me into town and bought me that jewelry box. i felt like my whole life had been lifted up into heaven. My dad saved his pennies for weeks, just to make me experience that feeling. 

- Thank you

2. Ten years old in India. Children must go to bed quite early. But I heard the indian music! the adults were playing it loud. I had grown to love that music, it just made me move. Apparently i was a natural bollywood dancer, did all the moves perfectly and no one had taught me - but only in the day time when no one was around. Please grandad, dad, can we (me and my sis) dance with you? He answered, Well you girls are on holiday, why not! We put our indian clothing on and danced the night away with all the adults. Not the first time I felt pure happiness on the dance floor though, and definitely not the last.

- Thank you

3. 13 years old and i finally have a brother. im walking to the hospital. but it was like gasping for air, i was so in need for this positive experience that i knew was so close to me. Being burnt out of our flat and moving every few months to a differnt B&B is not something a hormonal teenager goes through very well. I saw the bundle of white cloth at the side of the hospital bed. these two Blue eyes gazed up at me. they were like two lights from heaven. I sat down in shock at how beautiful he looked. he was passed into my arms, and it was like a jolt of electricity that went right through me. He gripped my little finger really tight and didnt let go. Pure, undivided love was established at that very moment, that i knew would last for the rest of my life. I love you Costa Rouvas Singh Sethi, and I am always there for you.

- Thank you

4. 14, Still living with dad. His music studio had grown. It looked so professionally amazing, so many speakers so much equipment, and the sound was just amazing. I use to just sit there and watch him sometimes, with his crazy experiments, like some kind of sound scientist, its fascinating. One time, he literally said 'Maria, come here. Ive got something to show you'. he explained he had been experimenting with sound formats. Mp3's are a certain quality, and a certain size. But he was making music in files that were ridciulously big because of  the huge amounts of detail and quality within them. He started to play this through high quality equipment. He said 'just dont worry my darling, everything will be alrite'. I started to think, why wouldnt it be? whats he talking about? I heard this sound, and my ears felt funny, they actually started to hurt. Dad said it was normal and not to worry. and before i could control it, tears were rolling down my face. tears of happiness that i couldnt control. I apologised and dad comforted me. Dont worry sweetheart, youve felt some sadness in your life, but thats the real power of music, in this quality, it brings all emotions out. Out of this world experience

-Thank you

5. Morroco - a few years ago. Holiday? more like Stress Test. I was there to experience culture, but the people i went with were there for alot different reasons. ones i couldnt understand. Language barriers, arguments and tears led me to feel very alone in a strange country. We took a car ride into the mountains. I had never seen mountains till this day, i was in awe. They were so beautiful. higher and higher we drove, untill we stopped for a break. i walked to the edge of the road, which was also the cliff.  I looked out infront of me. I was on the edge of the world, a beautiful one. I closed my eyes, put out my arms, and took a deep breath. Freedom. Best moment of that holiday.

-Thank You

6. Last Year - Spent the night with someone special. Woke up in the morning and just had this unexplainable joy inside of me. I felt like i had to sing. Those songs from the 60's full of jazzyness and soul. I  got up and starting youtube -ing these songs and singing at the top of my voice. He started to join me. We started dancing together in some old fashioned waltz thing we made up. Great company, great songs took the Lonliness away that i had previously been feeling and replaced it with happiness.

- Thank you

So i may have done 6, and got a bit carried away........point is made though :)

Oh, its dark is it? I didnt notice, sorry :)

This method may not work for everyone, but its got to work for most. And its definitely worth a shot when youve got nothing to loose. Write them down, think them out loud, or just randomly tell people about 5 amazing moments in your life, youd be surprised how different you will feel.

When the end of the road hits a brick wall.....

Time for another reflection. Another point needs to made, and its something that i keep forgetting. Maybe if i write it down here, it may somehow engrave itself more deeply. May save me more pain too. I can only hope....

Living with my mother has very few positive aspects to it. However I had to do it once, for half a year. I could say that I got to know her alot more in these 6 months then i did for the rest of my life....and although we managed to salvage some kind of motherly - daughter relationship in this time period, that was missing for so long, it was still too late in my child hood, at 16, for me to appreciate its maximum worth.

Actually i was scared alot. Alcohol was her best friend and i still didnt quite realise why people thought alcohol helped them forget things, so i thought i had the power to save the world, ya know, stop a 45 year old woman who was a heavy drinker to stop drinking.

its quite funny actually, when i look back at it, the things i did to try and help (key word here). Pouring bottles of wine down the drain when she wasnt looking, getting her to force glasses of water down her, refusing to go to shop, hiding her credit card. then there were the more serious things like, no mum i will not take my little sister to school tommorow morning instead of going to college, just because you want to drink tonight.

One night, i came back from my part time job. my older sister was in the lounge chilling with her boyfriend. my little sister fast asleep. No sign of mum

No one knows anything, untill i open her bedroom door. empty bottles wine on the floor. an open packet of some pills i didnt know (which she later claimed they just fell off the table and she didn't take any, hmm). and her unconscious on the floor, tangled underneath her desk. I was shocked at first. I genuinely thought she was improving because of all the things i was doing. i tried to wake her but no response. i rang the guy i was seeing at the time and asked his advice. i called the nhs helpline, and thats when i heard movement. thank fuck, she was alrite. she got up...... and started shouting. 'get off the phone, i dont want to get in trouble with the childrens services! I dont want to loose elina'. this was follwed by may hurtful comments about myself and my life. after many tears, i left the house - however, with the light a thte end of the tunnel and the silver lining around the cloud, upsetness was quickly replaced by huge realisation - this woman will never change, and my father has been trying to tell me that for the last 16 years, its funny i realise only then the true meaning of what he was saying.

from this, alot can be realised. it really is true what they say. some people CANNOT change. and some people just wont be helped, no matter how much effort you put in to do so, no matter if they related to you, no matter how much you love this person, some people have got to help themselves, and some need alot of time to do this. Its alot more productive to give them the time to do this then to keep trying to help, cus you only end up feeling trampled on.... and completely and utterlly emotionally drained.

Im sure whoevers reading this, thats the last thing in the world that you deserve :)

Oh and quick note - Im not telling these things for pity. or attention or anything like that. yes they are situations which most people may feel uncomfortable talking about nevermind posting them on a blog. But i dont see the point in that. Ive had them and Ive learned from them, and I wirte here only to share what I ive learned to benefit others. and im not trying to be god, or some preacher or something. just trying to contribute to the world, while trying to sort my own life. After all, woman and multi -tasking go hand in hand, they say ;)

The world is my playground.......please tell me its playtime soon :d

Routine. One of those things that you only realise how much it actually sucks, when your stuck in it and you can get out .... which sucks even more.

Ive recently been in this situation and it has been driving me crazy. Like, to the point where i can feel my head mentally reject it. it almost feels like, to wake up and do the same things everyday is completely unnatural, just wrong in every sense of the word.

Just like.... a machine. Yep theres definitely something robotic about it. But its not enough just to exist. we are not robots, we are flesh and blood, body and mind, and most importantly heart and soul. these two things in particular for me are the things that need fulfilling. and just existing, going through every day life.......just doesnt cut it.

we need to live and its change, its excitement, its doing the things you love instead of doing the things you feel like you MUST do, its being different, its being random, its being spectacularly spontaneous that really, hits that nail on the hammer..... of life.... lol

and whats a bonus is the memories that come out of living life like described above, they can be treasured. and used as a bright light in your life, in desperate dark times of need.

So if anybody ever wondered why I like maybe one too many parties, why, especially after a few, i need to do something crazy like jumping a few garden walls, jumping into a few seas at 2am, messing around with trolleys (because even nights out get a bit monotonous). if some have ever thought, why would i go off randomly travelling europe while trying to study, with no money to do so, and no help financially. and if some ever think, why i dye my hair a different colour so often.

well the answer is, im living. im expressing the passion i have for this life that has been given to me and exploring what it can provide for me. I may have a slight reputation for  being crazy, but many times ive heard people say, with you maria, i had an adventure. i remember that and this and i think about it alot. and to know that ive had a positive impact on peoples life that, is well, very inspiring for me.

So next time, your having a fairly normal day, just do something weird. dont have to be crazy, or big, or life threatening. just different. make that day a little more memorable then the one before or the one that will come. because you never know when these memories will be needed to dig you out of a black hole you may stumble in and have trouble escaping. it could just be the rope you need to pull you out of danger.

or the distraction you need for something you want to forget, but thats another story ;)

Belief, Reason, and the Power of Choice

Recently, my life has been governed by these three things more than ever.

I think, Im going to tell you, firstly what I believe, and how that effects my decisions in life. You may call it a religion, or something else, but nonetheless, it is what I live by.

There is so much going on in my life at the moment, that to write it down wouldn't really accomplish anything. So, secondly, I will refer to my past, and use that to reflect - but to reflect only. To think about it too much damages me sometimes, and at an important time in my life like this i cant afford for this mental strain.

Religon. Hmm. strange one

I have been christened Greek Orthodox as a baby, but christianity baffles me slightly, some pieces of the jigsaw just dont fit. I also have punjabi blood in me, which I respect alot of, and also feel i have a deep connection, or understanding of, but some of these rules also just dont quite fit into my life.

Two things that do feel right though. If i want something, Il get it. I concentrate all belief that im capable to muster, and direct it towards myself. The amount of times i have been let down in my life, promises broken, expectations shattered, through out my child hood, theres only one person in the whole world that would never accomplish any of the above, and thats just me.

Also I really feel like Im living on a path. This interlinks with the blog i posteed last time, about intuition.
Yes its there for a reason, to help you make the right decisions, but if thats the case, then surely this is the path that has been built for you to follow?  I follow fate - the builder of this path, the only thing that knows every answer to every decision i have or will ever make, so it seems almost logical to be led down this path. Both my dearest best friends actually disagree with me on this, but as much as i honor thier opinion, my belief in myself and what the future has in store for me is just too strong to falter.....

They say theres a story behind everything, and everyone. Even the people that may seem bad, they too have thier story, there reasons for doing what they do. Thats why i take time to listen to what everyone has to say.

So heres my story

I hit 15. Life literally plummeted into a whole new direction. Before this point, my father was the best man known to exsistence in my eyes. He was the only one around when growing up, everything he did was right, to me and I love him beyond anything anybody has ever known. But being born in Britain, by a man who was brought up the indian way? This is a bit more then just difficult. And so the rule about no boyfriends until im 18, was the one and only rule I broke. Love is what i felt, it was everything i had imagined and more, so strong that it overrid any loyalty i had for my family.......

I tried to reason with him. Just meet him dad, please. But apparently, I had no idea what love was. Apparently I was just a child. Apparently, I knew nothing about life, and that it is and will always be, a dog-eat-dog world out there that will tear me to shreds because I wasn't ready for it.

Keeping me locked up in my room didnt keep me from contacting who i most wanted to speak to. Didn't even stop me organizing secret meetings just to hold him for 5 sneaky minutes outside the back of my work everyday, while my father waiting for me a the front, to make sure i came straight home.

2 weeks of confinement and I was offered an Ultimatum. I leave the house and be with him, Or i stay and never seem him again. I challenged this ultimatum... which pushed my luck too far. Turmoil, emotional and physical pain, all concluded that night with me in the Hospital and My father at the police Station.....

I left the house. You could of called me homeless for a bit. Then finally after alot of staying round mates houses, I decided to stay with my Boyfriends Parents, who pitied me, but took care of me when they could.

1 Year passed. Pretty emotionally damaged due to lack of interest from all the family. And boom, the one reason to be happy, the 1 thing I gave up everything I had ever loved before that, decided it was the end. No reason. Just, no more. Love, it seems, wasnt as glorious as first thought. Especially when it slapped you in the face, like that.

Each step of that phase, happened because it had to. I followed the signs, I always do, and thats the path it led me down.  Bullet PointS. Bullet Points are good, there always good.

The lessons I learned

• Because i left the house so early, and was faced with life all by myself so quickly and unexpectedly, I feel as if I can get through anything that life chucks at me now. A Strong Nut.
• Because I had my all family taken away from me and then my heart shattered into a million peices, I dont let anybody walk over me, therefore Im very rarely taken advantage of. 
• Because I spread my wings, away from my father, I sprouted out, I did my own travelling, I experimented with so many different experiences, and fuck me i made alot of mistakes, but my mind is so so open. So accepting to new things, and different kinds of people.

Moral of the story. Sometimes, it feels like,  life is just spinning. Like completely out of control. Out of your Hands. But are you really controlling your hand, when Fate is holding it, leading you down your path, tugging you in the right direction. That tugging feeling, thats the intuition. Believe more that you can accomplish what ever it is that you want, and the path will lead you there, to your Destiny. 

But God, Do I Miss That Man That Is My Father. 

My only wish is for him to forgive me. Like going to church to confess my sins.

 Only Then, Will I Feel Completely Free.

Intuition or just craziness?

Despite the sun today, sadness has reigned. Ive seen it on peoples faces, ive heard it in peoples voices, ive read it in messages. And to stretch out happiness which is always my first reaction had been particularly hard today.

That can only mean there must be sadness within myself, that im hiding. I know what thats about though. My mother says that I dont do loneliness very well, but i always disagreed with her. Maybe, shockingly, surprisingly, she may have a very small insignificant point. Having alot of time to myself this weekend has only provided the time to bring it all to the surface.... and....

.....Somethings wrong. Something separate from the stupidity of my self-wallowing. I dont know what it is, but its there, those familiar feelings creeping up, something telling me to either prepare for something or giving me some kind of sign that something has/is going to happen/ has happened. Im closing my eyes... im trying to pinpoint...... somebody i care about is in trouble? Maybe? Im texting my suspicions now, and low and behold - no text back. Think ill have to step it up to a phone call. Shes gonna think im crazy tomorrow. Alot of people think im crazy when i ring up and say "ive got a bad feeling about something, are you ok?". But its worth it, even if my feelings are wrong, at least I did my best to find out what these bad feelings are all about.

Lesson to be learnt - always trust your gut instinct. Even if you look crazy doing it, its there for a reason. And even if you think, well i cant feel anything, its because you probably subconsciously switched it off, out of touch from your intuition a long time ago (society does shitty things like that). But seriously, get it back, and embrace it, it helps you in  alot of sticky situations, if not to stop something bad, then at least prepare you for it so its not so bad when it comes.  This pre-warning system is there for a reason, like a body mechanism, for protection No doubt about that.

Symbol of my inspiration today.....possible belly bar, and Logo....??? S word = solar

Beginning with a change of perspective :)

.......Hmm. right. never shared my thoughts like this before........

Tonight is the night of reminiscing.  Each memorable event in my life has had a knock on effect to the next

Dominoes is the comparison i keep thinking of. No no, a special lamp post. (Il come back and explain that one later)

And its like, each of these memorable events belong to a particular phase in my life, which in turn each has particular memorable people, smells, visions, way of thinking, and most importantly, very particular emotions.

And when reminicing about each phase, the way i was feeling at that time comes forcing itself back into my heart, flooding, no, overflowing it to the brim with old emotions. And MUSIC. each one of these phases have songs attached to them, and its no ordinary attachment,  its like binded so freakin tightly, you start to hear only the first few notes of a song, and the mind suddenly explodes with these particular memories happening at these particular phases.......and it makes me think......how can reality be defined as now in the present moment what we see with our eyes. As powerful tool as they are, Maybe, just maybe, your mind is more powerful than anything, beyond anyones comprehension.

So, what would happen if you tried closing those eyes. When you do that, there is no visual distraction.. Then, maybe, start playing those songs so closley consumed with a phase (Considering a happy time in one of these phases  maybe more helpful). Break all the barriers that may exsist in the mind and the heart at that moment, and let all those  old memories take over. Those old feelings should start firing up, right through you, then reacting with your body and releasing the same chemicals that it did last time you felt like that.

If the mind has the power to literally transport you back to a happy moment in your life, making your body go through exactly the same experience as ir did back then, whilst just sitting in your bedroom with your eyes closed, then is reality really what is infront of you right now? Or is it what ever you WANT it to be, using your mind as the machine to make it?

And so on a another drunken adventure i was having a few nights ago, I was trying to help a lovely girl who couldnt understand a situation, why something didnt make sense. My words were "Well, ya see, life is like......" and i couldnt find the right word for that moment (shockingly me, out of words). I looked behind her and saw this image.

I continued "its like that lampost over there darling. Nothing is black or white, always grey. nothing is straight, otherwise how can we define straight, without something being bent in our lives?"

So, first positive and (hopefully) inspiring  conlcusion to take away and digest:

If reality is not always what you see with your eyes, and we need the bent things in our lives to define what is straight, clearly nothing is what it seems. So if you dont understand why something is the way it is, maybe its better to accept it and embrace it. And then know you have so much power, to change what we do understand, isnt it better to concetrate our efforts on that?

Ultimatly, You'd be making a difference to the world. Just like what im trying to do now

:)