Fight against your evil, and 2012 will be the change in the world we so desperatly need to see

Ever feel like you had a thought, and then you suddenly looked back on it and it didnt make sense because you didnt recognise yourself while thinking it?

Ive always believed that if you strip away all thoughts, you are left with your pure self. Stop thinking and you will find yourself. But of course, we have to think to survive as human beings.

What I wanna know is, where have we, along the line, managed to get thought attached to emotion, to the point where we create our own turmoil? Surely this isnt what nature inteneded?

But this isnt even the end of the story. Why is it, when we have that random and unrecognisable thought, is it SO hard to stop thinking it? Why is it, it gradually becomes an obsession, growing and mutating into conclusions that you didnt even know was possible to come to? Its at that point when we have to act other wise we will explode with negaitvy. We either blurt out all these thoughts out loud, or do something stupid based on those conclusions. And its only then, when it comes out into the real world, when you hear yourself or look at thte stupid thing you just did, when we realise, 'what the hell was i thinking?' If this realistion doesnt occur striaght away, then usually after a bit of  time, when the situation doesnt matter anymore it will definitly hit you. Times heals everything. God I love Time.

Its us that creates the one negtive thought. Society has brainwashed us into doing this. But for it to actually result in growing and mind control, well, maybe thats another form of being altogether. Eckhart calls it the 'Pain Body' which I forgot about until recently, and only made the effort to remember the term because Ive been feel8ing like this being has been having an effect on my life recently more then ever. But only because I have let it in.

If you have the will power to fight against it, then thats one step closer to never letting a negative thought control your head again. If your aware of it happening, if you can step outside the circle and look in, and recognise that that is what it is, thats another stepp closer. If you know that this being is doing this to you, and not blame yourself or feel any guilt for it, (as these are just more negative thoughts it can feed on and trust me its hungry) then you are yet another step closer,.

little steps, baby steps. its still progress nontheless.

Theres another factor that has to be taken into consideration though. If you let it grow, and even if your passing someone else in the street with a weak resistance to negtivity, it can attach itself to someone else, and manifest to the point that the other person effected could do something crazy that even they dont recognise in themselves.This is one of the things im most scared of. I know that if the pain body starts whispering in my ear i may fall to its words for a short time, but i know whats going on and im strong enough to eventually, when the head is clear, to fight it. But if in that short period of time i have passed it on, well im effectivly making the world a worse place to be in. and thats deifnitly not my intention.

When i first realsied this a year ago, i did everything in my power to stop it happening to me. It worked. I got everything i ever wanted in the space of two months.

Ive now been in a relationship for 10 months, 4 months of that has been long distance. And i have realised, if there is one thing that the pain body loves most to feed on, its long distance relationships. think of all the painful and strong emotions that are being felt by two people everyday. All the thoughts about what the other person is doing, or what you hope they are not doing. How much you want to be with that person but you cant, how just so unfair that is. And even when seeing each other, think of all the expectations of spending time with each other, and if these expectations arent met how much sadness can be created. Its heaven for this horrible being out to make peoples life a misery. No wonder most long distance doesnt work....

You have to be SO strong. SO resistant. So incredibly positive, push back every negative thought.

Will the strength inside me slowly die away and be distinguished one day?

I hope the power of love wil be enough to prevent my lamp from burning out. Love is all I believe in, so if it doesnt win the fight, I will not end up being the change I want to see in the world.

Christmas will be peaceful. A clear head will be needed for whats to come. Because after that the madness begins. 2012 is the year i plan to start maiking this difference. To live to the max, to makeas much happiness as possible. Join me. Fight the evil, rid the demons of  your life before 2012 comes, so we can enter a new year in peace and harmony, ready for anything, making ANYTHING possible.

My only wish, is for love to prevail. And that battle starts today.

No Pain, No Gain

Recently Ive been sent through a whirlwind of physical pain. Starting with the teeth, they say its the worst pain in the body as its nerves are closest to the brain. Waves of migrane, not being able to sleep, look at bright lights, feeling sick when ever I moved, then having to do a very loud bar shift full of drunk people and an irish band who were amazing but were making my headbang with every beat they played. After this ordeal started to calm down, the weakest part of my body decided to give in again, resulting in not being able to walk, and even lying down with my legs up, the pain was throbbing up and down my foot stopping me sleeping but still having to do alot of hard physical work for work the next day.

Looking back it on it now, it was probably one of the most difficult working days of my entire life. It was literally a struggle to walk, so everything else I was doing for 7 hours on top of that was nearly impossible. I hadnt had chance to rest my ankle, and I could feel every step I took my body was resisting, telling me to stop

Through this 1 week of turmoil, where there wasnt really a minute I wasnt in pain, I did alot of thinking. My philosophy that everything happens for a reason was weakening - Id recently helped out quite alot of people and couldnt think of one bad thing that I had done to be punished in such a way. Usually I figure it out and helps me direct myself and my life again, but this time there was nothing to justify it.

Then I started thinking, if everything happens for a reason and good and bad are figments of our imagination, then why can I not turn this situation into it happening for a good reason? Why cant pain be good? Ive heard people say pain is good, because it means the body is working hard to fix itself, but Im not sure about that theory.

So I changed my perspective. What did pain actually do for my mind? Well when Im in pain, its all I seem to think about. All my thoughts were directed towards it, hoping it would stop soon, what I can do to get rid of it, the levels of pain ect..

I found that pain was actually very grounding. It took my mind off the past, the future, and it made me concentrate on whats happening now,  living for the present moment. And I realised how healthy that actually is. And we all know The Power Of Now (the book that took me out of depression a year ago).

So I am grateful for it. For one week my mind has not been poisened with the past and future thoughts that destroy us all slowly and leads to stress and our eventual downfall.

Because of my 1 week of pain, Ive prolonged my beautiful life. Next time your in pain, this attitude will cause you absolutly no harm to implement :)

The Power Of Now is The Present. Open it!

Never feel like your at home anywhere? Heres a differerent way of thinking about it :)

Casa Dolce Casa

North, East, South, West

Which feels right? Which feels best?

To the highest mountain

or the warmest seas

I look for home

But not with ease

The place of my birth

Full of familiarity

Does not feel like my home

With its layers of memories

An exotic country

What im most fond of

Doesn't contain the feeling

Of peace, of hope, of Love

Thats when I realise

That 'home' is not fixed

Its not found around me

It has no door or bricks

Its the inner emotions

When inside your embrace

Enclosed in your soul

Lost in Time, In space

Peace is in your presence

Comfort in the love you provide

My home is where my heart is

And my heart never leaves your side

REMINDER: Dont ever forget the power of love

With me without me

When I gaze into the starry sky at night

Contemplating the galaxy's delight

Its then that I catch the scent of your hair

and feel your embrace, holding me tight.

Walking along the stony shore clearing my thoughts

in a cold but calming sea side town

I suddenly sense your warm hand inside mine

Hearing your voice a precious, soothing sound

When I wrap myself inside my bed at night

Only the smell of your clothes accompany me

I long for your feet to rub mine gently

Filling a heart that craves your affection deeply

Forgive me my treasure, for my bitter thoughts that make no vital sense

Its soley because the love and compassion that I possess for you is so immense

So whatever it is that I do in my life, I will always know that this much is clear

Everywhere I go, I'm uplifted by the power of your presence, for you are always near.

Forever with me, my dear.

My question answered. My Theory Confirmed. The Timing is Perfect. I Love this World

"I love you, because all the loves in the world are like different rivers flowing into the same lake, where they meet and are transformed into a single love that becomes rain and blesses the earth"

I knew I wasnt crazy. I knew i wasnt commiting a sin and I knew I had no reason to be guilty. I was just a little afraid that this may not be true because ive never heard anyone else talk about how they love more that one person at the same, with the same intensity and admit it as a good, natural and normal thing.

But Paulo Coelho understands. He Accepts. He embraces. He quotes the above in his new book The Aleph, explains his most recent discovery - although he loves his wife of 25 years, hes in love with a girl half his age who he hardly knows (it is partly to do with thier ancestors having been lovers hundreds of years ago and they both can feel this using 'the aleph' in each others eyes but still) And I start to read it now? And now this proves my thoery on the universes perfect timing with my life.

I can now live in peace untill the next challenge life throws at me

The sun has a thousand faces, why should love have only one?

He came back into my life out of nowhere - like an earth quake stretching the earths crust, our eyes met and the storm hit.The connection is so undeniable and infinite, and we both know it, despite the fact its never said.

Memories flash back like wild fire, everyone to each beat of my heart. Thats the very painful moment when guilt hits like a hammer and thoughts stumble back to the soul in which I share my life with at home waiting for me.

I automatically understand that there is no measure for any of these feelings. I just dont understand why such events had to occur within my life in order for my heart to be stretched into two opposite directions.

Fear of sinning kicks in. Im I bad person? A slut? A lonely little girl that gets bored easily, and ruins other peoples life like judgement day??????..............

Of course not. The mind slowly starts to clear.................. I  have always believed that its against mother nature to ever put any kind of restictions or limitations on any matters of the heart.............there isnt enough love being shown to make the world go round happily right? So why should I.....

How has this type of living effected my life, or made it different to a person who do put limitations on thier heart?

I go out do things and live life to the absolute max, taking hold of every opportunity as much as i can, do crazy stuff, meet as many new people as possible feeding my passion to teach and to learn from others. I wouldnt say everyone lived like that, although i do reccomend it to every person i talk to on a regular basis, as it does make you feel alive

And ive found that this generates alot of love for people. The only problem is, as I start spreading this love, it  then starts attaching. and thats usually when I get into trouble, because todays society has brought us all up to belive your suppose to love only one person your entire life.

Then my head rudely interrupts and flashes at me that i have to make a decision between the two and fast because the mind cant handle the thought of loving two people so immensly at the same time........A distant voice chants at me......

follow my heart follow my heart, follow my heart..........

Yes I know! But what if the heart is showing two paths, which do you take? and what would be the reasons in which to choose the right path? how could justify them to be "right" or "wrong"?

My head replies, by starting to imagine what it would be like to take each path and then summing up the pro's and con's like a mathmatically equation or a logical scientifc method to see which one would be more benefical for me..........


.....................................I love you i love you i love you, but i love you too.......................... ... ... and thats why i should do what I should do..................waaaat....??????????????????????? Now nothing mathmatically or scientifically makes any logical sense.

Ugh!!!!
.................
...............
.......................



Everything goes quiet, I manage to find a tiny moment of peace. And thats when I became inspired.

There can only one possible solution - absolute acceptance. Acceptance that yes my heart can be split into two, or maybe even more peices, but i cant be with everybody at the same time.

So this is a pact for myself.

From this day forward I will first - accept that I am in love with more than one person. I always have been, and I always will be. Because love is infinite and cannot be directed at only one other soul. and theres absolutly nothing I can do to change that.

Now ive accepted, I have the power to make the peaceful decision of appreicating the gift that fate has already placed within my life. He has his faults but i am a blessed woman. And there is absolutly no reason why i should rid that of my life right now. But he IS being tested. Why, I have no idea, I just hope hes prepared fr it.

From this peacful decision comes a powerful realisation. Now, then, before. Time. everything happens for a very good reason, and life times things so incredibly impeccablly, to the milli second, in order for the perfection of its beauty to be realised by the whole human race, and for each person to follow the path of their destiny.

I know that it would be wrong to block people out of your life because its easier than knowing that they are there and are ruining whats in your life already because your scared of your feelings. i know that i will have to make alot of drastic choices one day, but the time is not now.

iM always saying to myself that life is so unexpected, but i am still getting suprised and shocked at what falls in my lap. why? it doesnt really matter. but i do know that where ever it is that i imagaine to be in a few years time will be nothing like where i actually will be, who ever i will be with will be someone i could of never have guessed.

so then why the fuck worry about future things like that, when nothing will be like you think it will be, and when the time will come you just end up laughing at how much energy you wasted and the pain it caused you, cus none of what you were worrying about didnt even happen?

I have NO control. it is beyond my comprehension to know what will happen. if the earth fucks up and we are all doomed to die, then the entire world will be forced to think of the same thing, and appreciate what they have before the doom comes upon them. there are so much stronger forces then us, that most of us are not aware of, and will never have power over, no matter how much we struggle against them

And so I now sit and contemplate about those two paths, and the summing of the pros and cons. And think even if i did calculate the probability of which one would take me to a better place, I would be wrong. Becasue i can only see up to the horizon of both paths, but any further I cannot fathom to imagine.

Do not try to calculate life. It is not an equation. Its a beautiful, complicated melody, in which we can either sing really out of tune too, or dance to the rythem of in perfect harmony. Either way, whether we like it or not this melody of life has no sustainability, and changes with every breathe of the wind......................

Friends? What? Where?

Moving city and then holding a 21st Birthday Party a few months after, is the strangest thing in the world.

Its one of those experiences where great realisations happen to you about two aspects of your life. Your Past situation and your Present situation. And at this event, it was all laid out before my eyes as clear as day.....


Inviting all the people that are still important today, from the Past. Giving them plenty of notice as there is understanding of the small journey that must be taken from the previous city, these things take a bit of planning.

The the invitiations to the people youve come accross in the new life, the friends made within the last few months. But the invitiations are a little different, a little more laid back approach is taken, as the time hasnt been long and the feeling of uncomfortableness or awkwardness is not wanted to be felt, so the impression is given that the party is more of an impromptu get together.

A few weeks pass and alot of thoughts are mulled through. Who from the the past will get on with who from the present? Who will match who? A glowing feeling apears as the realisation that everyone thats appreciated and loved in this phase of life will be together, having a blast - one of the greatest feelings human beings are to be blessed with in this lifetime.

The days draw closer to that one date, and slowly, one by one, the people from the past begin to drop out. Wont risk the normal daily grind of their lives. First, the closest people, then the others. The excuses in thier messages are lengthy, like they had to explain every bit of detail of their excuse, in case it made some difference. A bewildering concept - the purpose never understood.


One week before the party. A connection is made between two strangers. This other person understands the importance of the connection almost instantly. The invitiation is offered to the party and accepted. Strange to most, but feelings that are followed is the path to destiny.

The day of the party comes. The friends from the present, most of them dont turn up, and dont give a reason for it either. Its the way they have placed people as priority in thier head. However, not much thought is put into this, as this is a situation capable of change within the future. These people may realise that one day, they may need help. And who would be able to offer thier aid? Maybe the person whos party it is? Then they may think about turning up to the next one. Maybe when this happens it may trigger something in thier minds. The one and true valuable lesson of life that the human race need to grasp - That EVERY person you come accross in life play a vital role in that persons fate. Each person that passes through has something to teach, whether that person realises it or not, therefore it is important not to discard any1 as not a priorty.

Everyone has so much to teach, but even more so to learn.

Some people from the present turn up for the most self involved reasons, and leave quickly. Blame is not inflicted apon them, only pity that they allow each experience to be so shallow to them.

The person known only for 1 week turns up and is the heart of the party. Everyone else are people that know how important it is in life to forget about 'responsibilites' they have yesterday, tomorrow, or even in a few hours and actually enjoy yourself, actually make yourself feel alive - actually live. And also know how important connections are. They have an inclin that these connections are actually sparks of true love. And when this true love sparks, favours such as coming celebrate being 21 are dealth with without a shadow of a doubt.

Appreciation for this people exsits  so powerfully. But unfortuantly, with a great sadness, that there are so few of these people in this world.

Hurry up 2012 show these people the light, the higher level, the beautiful art of true love which created the universe. People need to be more connected. If every1 in the world was a tiny bulb, in which we all connected to each other, just imagine how brightly our world would shine in the galaxy ... or the living room.........

And if i fall with all the strength i have inside, I wouldnt be standing alone tonight.

It feels wrong to have experienced a trip somewhere so beautiful, and not write something down. I learnt so much. And im not talking about thing that fill the capacity of my mind, but things so much deeper than that.

Sonethings I wonder, if these 'lessons' that im constantly learning will ever cease and I will know how to go about living my life perfectly, teaching others to follow my path. Probably not, but i guess it brings more meaning to lifes journey.

It was amazing to see the man I love - he was positively glowing with happiness, his appearance was different, but at the same time he was more like himself. Like the Italian part of is soul had become external. I could feel how natural he felt within his enviornment, and knew that he was much more comfortable and relaxed in Italy then England will ever be able to provide him.

As soon as I arrived at the airport, I was all prepared and expected for enlightening experiences and breathtaking views that would shake the depths of my soul. The same feeling I get when im meditating sometimes. But what happened wasnt really what I expected, I guess I didnt think it through enough, or probably thought about it too much.

Lesson no 1. Dont think too much about what somethings going to be like, Life is one of the most unexpected and random things. It will always suprise you.

Being in his arms again was so peaceful. His friends were very nice people, but I was very quickly reminded about my situation when I found that, most of the time, I had no idea what was going on, what they were laughing about and what everyones thoughts were - and they also didnt understand me. This was my first mistake,  as I let the past slip into the equation then. Memories started flashing back from times where I felt so left out from not understanding the language that depression would very quickly sink in and arguments with ex boyfriends were hideous, energy draining and completley non productive.

So there were a few times on this holiday that I wanted to dissapear. But the idea of getting lost in a country that is very unfamiliar to me slightly put Me off. Of cousre I tried to talk the language but it was difficult, my vocabulary was very limited. And then feelings of guilt would start to arise as I felt like i was disturbing his way of life out there, not being able to join into most conversations. Then worry follows as I look in his direction and he tries to read my thoughts, guessing how im feeling and trying to make it better for me. Bless his lovely heart. And then adding to all of this, I would think about how less time I have with him and that i want to make the most of it, because when i go back i wouldnt know when i was going to speak to him again, or even see him again. Of course, the negative ball of emotion gwoing bigger and bigger has an effect on the lines of your face, so i didnt look to happy alot of the time

Lesson no 2. One negative drop of water in the river leads to another and another, eventually leading to huge gusing currents slowly posiening your mind. It important to realise this is happeneing to you before it gets too strong and irreversable effects occur. When you feel it happening. take a mental step back from your own mind, and watch yourself, watch how your brain is chasing its own tail - and laugh. Laugh at how ridiculous you are bieng, and how much evenrgy you are wasting on things that later on, just wont matter anymore.

The crazy beach party was fun. Although I didnt understand anyone, alcohol seems to make every one speak a language that everyone can express. Who said this stuff was bad for ya? Swimming in the sea at midnight, playing voleyball drunk is hilarious. Feeling a little depserate then normal about trying to make a good impression, I didnt realise that maybe i was accidental being too friendly to a particualr individual. After he tried kissing  me a few times and touching me in places that were not friendly either, I tried to help him out with a few words. "Love you, first, before love for anyone else" He understood but still wouldnt leave me alone. Of course I didnt keep it to myself, it was obvious wat was going on anyway. On the last night of the holiday i saw him again, he came to eat dinner with us although i think he didnt realise we were there ar first. Carlo asked me if i felt uncomfortble being around him. I said no, and that he was a good guy, just did stupid things when he was drunk. I wanted to tell him that I forgive him, but didnt know how to say it in his language. But by the end of that night i could  still feel his eyes on me and the vibes he was giving were exactly the same as they were at the party. Thankfully he left early.

Lesson no 3. Drunk people dont make mistakes. they just dont have any boundries in their heads anymore so do and say things that are true to themselves without the care of others opinions. Good way to find out peoples real intentions, even if they dont know them themselves.

Climbing the mountain was one of the best parts of the holiday. My sense of adeventure was on fire. We took a path that didnt even really exsit anymore.This and diving from rocks which is something ive never done before ~(and did very badly, seen as i managed to belly flop, the gossip of Terracina)  I realised then that that is what my soul desires from this world the most. Experiences that ive never had before, climbing and seeing amazing things. I guess im a  backpacker without a backpack :). As I reached the top and looked down at the town, i realised how much like torquay it reminded me, The beach was beautiful, and to be near the sea is such a healthy thing for the soul. But there was no oppertunity, no room for growth and change. Going to the beach in the day and club in the night is really the only thing that keeps the town alive. People get stuck there, as beautiful as it is, they are still stuck, and ive always belived its not natural for human beings of my age and generation to be stuck.

Lesson 4. Im not a beach holiday person. Once ive had one/two days at the beach im contect to move onto the next experience. Thats when i realised, i wasnt there on holiday, i was there only to see the man i love. And that was fine with me.

There is so much more passion in a country like italy. evern about the small things like food. Love is so much more evident. Friends show this love to one another, with lots of hugs and kisses instead of being embaressed about it. And thats something that i could definiatly relate and embrace while i was there, as expressing love to the world is one of my favourite pasttimes :)

Lesson number 5. try to stay in the present moment at all times, exspecially at times like that, the future will only destroy the possible happy times that you are suppose to be submerged in. 

Luckily i realised the above, and even though its alot easier said then done, i managed to hack it a few times. On the night of my brithday, it just so happens the only italin musician i know had a cover band playing down at the beach where one of carlos friend worked at a restaurant. It was my last night.We danced together on the sand, compltely sober. It felt like the old times back in southampton at Whitehouse when we were only friends. The connection was still there, but this time we could cross boundries. Everything about that moment was special in every sense, and this was when the shivers really started to appear.

It was after this moment that something changed within me. Like the love i was feeling had upped a level - a level ive never experienced before. I was on a natural high, and didnt care what happened next aslong as i was by his side.

And then the next day, i left. I went through security looked at his face, walked a little further and couldnt see it anymore. and thats when it hit me. I ran to the nearest toilet before anybody could see me, and screamed in silence while i let the floods of tears escape my eyes....

From then until now, ive experienced a sadness i had forgotten exsisted. Like a part of me has been ripped away, its still lying on the sand looking at the stars, in a moment where nothing else matters in the universe and i asked nothing from it.

Now i ask for salvation. For replenishment. For the stregnth to get past the negativity that i know is not me but dwells inside me. To love but not to miss loving. To have an attachement but not feel lost when detached from it.

Most importantly, i pray for my bitter thoughts about the future of my relationship to be eradicated. And to be replaced by the most powerful force in the exsistence of man. Ultimate Acceptance -

"Quando guarda alla luna, pensa di me, perche promettio sara guardando la stessa luna allo stesso tempo, pensando a te"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TppCSd60yQY

Come on fate, just a little perspective please....

In these peacful moments within my life, I shed a tear. As it rolls down my cheek and onto my chest I realise that its not a tear of self pity or pain. It's come from somewhere deep inside, a place that even i cannot fully comprehend. A place where all human beings are connected -


But this connection has been long forgotten by many, as we fall into societies strict structure destroying the bonds of love - the bonds that make us realise we are made of the same thing, therefore are one and all.

My mind is so much quieter these days. It's like for the last 8 months ive found the right control to turn down my thoughts as i slowly realise how unimportant and a waste of energy most of them are. It's done a great deal of good to my health, and has reflected on my life situation in such a positive way.

However there is a part of me that has never changed. A longing to help people in need and to make a difference in this world. In the past I tried, but it was a slow progress as I hadnt fully fixed myself yet, so i ended up chasing my own tail quite a bit. However now my head is so much clearer its like an endless blue sky of realisation of how many people in this world are soo............ lost.

And I am not afraid to admit it but a part of me wishes i was blind from that again. The fustration is so immense, im not sure what to do with myself. This clearness in my head has resulted in me seeing the beauty and love within everyone, even if many other people think it doesnt exsist inside them anymore. This combined with my longingness to help people has resulted in me trying to get people to realise the goodness inside themselves - but im failing. People want to stay the way they are, because its the only thing they know, and to change into a better person (actually the person they really are before they cover it up with crappy personality traits thats not them at all) is a scary concept for them. Its happened so many times now, and im not sure how much more i can take.

Then riots start around the country, and I think to myself, I am trying to be the change i wish see in the world, but the news shows my failure with fire and a ridiculous amount of unneccesary violence.

This post is a little different from the others. The others had a conclusion, a positive one, for everyone to reflect on. This one however, is open, like an open wound waiting for the right medicine to clense it from its negativity, in the hope that it will be sealed soon without more harmful infliction.

I need love to give me the strength, and guide me to the top of the hills where the progress im trying to make can be seen in clear view with my own very eyes. Because just believing and carrying on is soo hard for me right now. Im not sure if i can take that leap of faith...

The Yellow Brick Road....

Lastnight, I heard my grandmother pray. And it was beautiful

It was one of those moments in life - those ones you dont realise how magical it is until it passes.

Sleeping in the same room as her, because I had an instinct I had to see her, even if she was staying in a house were there wasnt any room for me.

All my life, shes been telling that she prays for me everynight. And I thought it was just something she said.

She likes to tell the story of how as a baby I use to be like a koala bear, not letting go of her leg when it was time to go home. No  matter what happens, that woman will have a very special place within my heart.

At the moment, I have embarked on an adventure. But the funny thing is, it isnt just any old adventure - Its the one that I dreamed of. Everyday as i meditate, I reflect upon the fact of how lucky i really am. But is it luck? Actually I dont think so

A bit of FYI for all peeps in this world - Dreams DO come true. There are a few tricks to it obviously.

One of them is to just have the right mind set - appreciate what you have, accept your dream when it comes to you, and then just never stop dreaming of other things, until the glorious day of your death.

Another - is to have loved ones around you ask the universe for you dreams to come true. Whether its a mutal friend wishing you all the best with a handshake, or the grandmother that has been more like a mother then any other, pray  everynight to the god that shes believed in all her life. As loong as it comes from that persons heart with good intentions - its pure magic

And the last is something that me and a very good friend of mine have come to realise. Finishing university was a very scary exepeirence. It seems that, most people went back to carry on their lives before they came to uni. Fair enough, familiarity is always the safe solution. Some people stayed int he city they studied in, deciding on a career unrelated to thier study. This is also understandable, as the curent economical climate is pretty crud and earning money is very hard indeed.

But these paths. to me seemed out of place. My heart just couldnt connect to any of these situations.
So I picked a random city that I liked and made the decision. Took that leap of faith and just moved, here, to brighton, the city where literally anything is accepted. I have the city centre to my left and the sea to the right of my house. I have a job where there is alot of freedom, trust and such an amazing oppertunity to meet everyone within the music industry that exsits here. Of course there are things to struggle with everyday. my pay is very low. my resources were limited. being away from the man i love is feels like my heart is very slowly and painfully being eroded away, leaving me very lost and confused at times.

But I know I chose the right path. simply because it was the path that had not been taken yet. This is the third tactic to be exspecially aware of, and which is beautifully explained by a Mr Robert Frost in the poem below

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim Because it was grassy and wanted wear, Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I marked the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

The past university expeiernce was ful of life. The future is just brimming with exciting mystery. But right now, I am ....a pace :)

More than just WoRdS....

Words

they are just a form of communication for what actually is.

When it comes to emotions, they are only labels of that emotion. not actually the emotion. Will we ever come to realise that again?

Love is a huge example. Two people are together. They caress each other, they laugh togther, they care about each other. They make love toegther. But still, the word love is not said between them, when quite clearly, its there. And its when one of them plucks up the courage to say, you know what i love you. Does love start at that very moment that the person said those words? no. Did it start when that person started realising it was love in the head , but not telling it to anyone? absolutly not. It was always there.

Some of us talk to much. But are still afraid of words that label our feelings.

Sometimes i think weve got to stop talking. and stop thinking. Just Do. Just Feel. and if we do this, we wil be able to understand each other, just as animals do. By a look in the eye, a sixth sense in their gut, a heart positivly vibrating in your ribcage. This is emotion. This is real. This is how to live a life, alive, instead of wasting each day with words and then realising when were on our death bed, that weve been labelling our lives away.

Dont get me wrong, they can help people immensely. Hence why I write this blog, to inspire people with words. But let me tell you, if i could just stick to demonstrating goodness in the world, and how easy it is to inspire, to love, and provide as much aid as i can through only my actions, in which people would watch, learn, and repeat themselves, then not only would it be more effective, but i would also be able to reach as many hearts as i wanted in the world, no matter what languauge they spoke.

Some people use words to convince themselves of things. To brainwach themselves. And then, when they say these words to other people, they expect the right words to be said back to confirm their made up convictions.

Self pity is a huge one. Everybody has suffered in their life, one way or another. And I have noticed, with alot  more people then i care to mention, that they use thier words when they are weak, and are feeling most vunrable, to tell sad stoires of themselves. Because then pity from the person you are telling it to will flow into you and you will ultimatly be more powerful, having sucked al tha perons energy away from them and possesed it for your own.

Words can be used for fun and for laughter. This is a tool that i will not deny. and the more laughter tehre is the world, the better.People find it strange that i have friends that dont really speak english. But whats said between us doesnt have to be clear - just the meaning of it does. And these friends are some of the best.

I was telling a 'sad' story in my life to people the other day - and i realised as i was telling it, there was so much laughter and positive words, that nobody in that room felt drained, or forced to show their concern or created awkward silences. it went a little something like this.....

13 years old, i was in noddy land, getting my much needed sleep for school the next day. i woke up to this sudden sound of my fathers voice... GET UP EVERYONE, GET ONE GET UP AND DRESSED NOW! I opened my eyes, to find that i couldnt really see much, smoke had filled the entire room - and i was soon to realise, the entire flat. i got dresed - but into my school uniform! (well it was the closest thing to me ) My sister christina was being too slow so i told her to hurry. I opened the door and dad told me to go to the lounge window which was open. i looked behind me, and there was one of my step brothers.... in a huge fluffy robe and 3d cheeky monkey slippers! and i thought school uniform was bad enough. my other step brother heard my dads voice, but wrapped himself in the blanket and said he didnt want to go to school today. we tried to wake him up and tell him there was a fire in the house and it was 3am morning. when he finally got the message, he got dressed and headed straight to the front door. My dads voice was scarily loud. NO HARRY NOT THE FRONT DOOOR THATS WHERE THE FIRE IS COMING FROM!. i think, by then he was definitly not half asleep anymore!


we all started climbing down a ladder that was coming from the lounge window. fred nearly tripped in his humungos slippers and my step mum, 7 months pregnant, definitly struggled. it made me think about how huge people must try and stay away from ladders, the balance just wouldnt work! us four teenagers were told to wait in the fire-engine while pen was in the ambulance. me and christina were eyeing up al the fireman - my god they were perfect eye candy for 2 13 year olds :D then suddenl i smelt something really bad. fred shouted, urgh harry, dont fart in the fire engine, theres no air in here! nervous maybe? we all burst out laughing.


After this day we had to move from B&B'S To holiday flats to houses  4/5 times in the space of 2 years. but the whole experience has made learn to survive quite happily with hardly any furniture luxerys or private space. I could basically live anywhere, be happy and still make it home.

Sticks and stones will brek my bones but words will never hurt me

Actions speak louder than words

A picture paints a thousand words

These phrases have been round for centuries - so we all know of the unimportance of words.

• Next time you wanna express an emotion try showing it instead of saying it - the effect is so much stronger.

• Feeling sorry for yourself is only a state of mind. Every one of your sad stories can be be broken and manipulated into spreading laughter and happiness - try it, youll only have words to loose :)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wmgTH_Oe5M&feature=related
 The song of this blog

What Is Love? Ladies and Gentle beings, an Idiots guide....

Negative emotion is a building with many floors. built from bricks with many layers. Piece by piece it can be completely eradicated. Let me show you how, take a sneaky look.

The Demolition

Take away Anger

Youll be left with Jealousy

Rip apart Jealousy

Possesiveness will remain

Dispose of possessiveness

Only Attachment will conquer

Clear all of your attachments

A powerful realisation  occurs

That all of the above derived from one source, that is actually only a product of the cunning imagination a creation of the brain.

Pure Fear. The sole reason for every mistake made by Human Kind.
People are always frightened.

Scared of what might happen.

Scared of what will happen. 

Scared of what wont happen. 

Scared of loosing control 

Scared of inevitable change 

It doesnt have to be this way. People dont have to suffer. Because there is a way of eradicating this minds image. This fear. 

Acceptance

Such a simple but difficult task. The brains just noise, like an untuned radio. Switch it off and acceptance follows.

Once that has happened, there are no emotions created by the brain anymore. After everything has been stripped away, what is it that people feel? How does it feel? Where does it come from?

Its the one aspect that links us all to each other. Connects us to every living thing, from the micro organisms living underneath the rocks, to the highly intelligent beings living in the universe on distance planets. Its the energy deriving from inside that makes every atom within our body alive with power. It isnt an emotion. Its just being. As human beings, weve labelled it, given it a word, which is so mis used and misunderstood that confusion to whether it exsits or not dwells around the world.

We call it Love

I personally dont have a word for it. I know that its the reason why i do what I do everyday.  And I also know that I have a hell of alot of it to give.

Instead of labelling it, Il desribe a fraction of its aspect, it potential in a short poem.

Love is not an attachment

Love is not a lie

It cannot be created

And it will never die

Loves not about grievement

or a figment of the mind

Its the unconcious power

That dwells in each inside

Its the scent of a flower

Its the blue of the sky

Its the sweet sound of music

That brings tears to your eyes

Its a constant reoccurance

a beautiful melody that you hear

Once felt  for someone or something

It can never disappear

It can increase in intensity

if sparked by a connection

It provides incredible power

When mixed with affection

How can love hurt

With all its incredability

Its the fear of loosing it

That ends in stupidity

For it can never be lost

If at first it wasnt found

Its the meaning of immortality

Its always been around

Now this may sound insane. But I am always in love. And its not because I crave phsyical affection, or need any special attention. Its not because I need to fill a whole in my heart, or feel wanted by anyone. Because all of these feelings of attachments is not love. Its just another form of fear.

Its because for me, its just being. Living is loving. Not only do i fall in love with my beautiful surroundings, but i fall in love with people. I think people are amazing. I spot their best traits, thier talent, thier kindness and it just beautiful. And thats it. the connection is made, and never leaves. Whether its with a man, or a girl friend, a child, a parent, or a guardian. Its there

Soooo many examples.

1. My Mother was not part of my life for most of my childhood. Her parenting skills barely exsist, and her self-absorbtion has ruined my life on more than one occasion. I cannot think of one logical reason to love her. But I love her with all my heart,

Because love is without reason.

2. A Woman that came into my life as a child, and showed me the meaning of mother. Her inspiration was incredible. Within 1 year of living with us, I knew the type of woman i wanted to grow up to be. In every aspect, in my opinion, she showed me the meaning of beautiful femininity that i longed to aquire. As a 11 year old child, the mind is not so corrupting, so when love is felt for someone, its said without shame or embaressment. And it still exists to this day.

Because Love is not blood

3. An ex boyfriend that couldnt be more different to the person i am if you tried to match me with an extra terssistal. But love still appeared. I tried to prove my love by staying with him for so long against all odds, even if i was incredibly unhappy in everyway. But in the end I finished it.

Because love is not attachment. Its acceptance, its letting go, its sacrafice

4. One night, one man. One feeling. Pure and simple. His fear maybe the reason why he pretended there was nothing, and the reason why he continues his life burrying what he cant accept. But time has nothing to do with love.

Because Love is immortal, for in the face of love, time does not exsist.





5. A good friend. expereincing hardships together, but never loosing contact. Helping each other through the hurt of other loved ones. It created love very early, but was not percieved as love. I thought I just cared. But of course, what triggers the need to care? Years pass. But in just one night, the mind cleared. the signs the universe were giving me were everywhere. I followed them. An oppertunity appeared, and the love inside of me guided me into his arms. Then I knew what i felt in that moment always existed, and will always exsit.

Because love is destiny

 The Rebuild

And now, with love, layers can be built again with positive building blocks.

From love, Joy appears

From Joy, happiness is born

From happiness, we learn the art of being content

Being content guides us all to peace. 

A united peace that will save the world.

Thats the way to live. To love

 

I heart...........voids? wert :/

3 words...... (its not I Love You, although thats another story) ....

Nope, its Tao Te Ching. My new bible. It just puts everything into perspective.

Its from the religon Taoism. Its a pretty cool religon. Its diet is healthy and it encourages sex as it provides positive energy to the person your canoodleing with. Thumbs up all round right :D

Chapter 11 from this new founded bible and another blog about this subject really got me thinking about Voids.

Hmmm, Empty space is such a strange thing.









Before I tell you what Chapter 11 reveals, il get stuck in with examples.

1) a rather good explanatory movie

Theres a film I watched recently, and it was quite simply, fucking amazing. Peaceful Warrior has the most amount of uplifting quotes that can be written for a movie, and it really moved me. The mysterious man (Given the name Socrates) who works at a petrol station serves this customer (Dan) at 3am nearly every single night. Socrates asks Dan 1 night, are you happy? Dan explains about the perfection that is his life (girls, fitness, friends). Then Socrates asks, so why can you not sleep at night? He answers his own question. Its because your afraid, afraid of the emptiness in your life....He doesnt deny it. And its this that gets him started on his spiritual journey, of not to fight the evident void in his life, or even try to fill, but to embrace it.

Filling the void with external experiences is what, in my opinion, is one of the main destructions that exsist in this crazy world. Alcohol and nicotine are perfect examples that also contain chemicals to aid the obsessiveness.

2) Personal reference

Best personal example.......explanation of literally, the worst phase of my life - were alot of mistakes were made. I felt I had a hole in my life, so i tried to fill it with a relationship, with love. Things werent working out, I ended it. But I felt like the hole had somehow increased in size and felt the obsessive need to fill it again, but was also telling myself i dont want a relationship. This craaazy confusion resulted in many drunken nights within a short period of time doing things that I was extremely ashamed of . Only recently have I managed to forgive myself for letting myself be used in such a way. And of course, its just another temorary filling.

There is only one thing that can permanently fill that hole, and that is complete acceptance of its existence. Even happiness cannot fill it for long, for all the negitive influnces in the world will do their darnest to destroy your it.

3) Bit of maths

Now comes the calculation

Fill empty space with acceptance = peace. But Peace = empty space

Confused? Dont Worry, Brian Cox will explain......:D

4) Bit of science

Apparently 99.9% of the whole entire vastness of the universe.....is.........space. nothing. voidness to its max. In between all the atoms that make us up there is more space then mass. This amount of empty space is not just huge, but gravitational too. Its grounding, and curves the shape of the planets orbits and the overall outline of universe itself.

5) Bit of R.E

So here comes my trust old bible and that special chapter i talked about before this school subject sesh started

11

Thirty spokes will converge
In the hub of a wheel;
But the use of the cart
Will depend on the part
Of the hub that is void.

With a wall all around A clay bowl is molded;
But the use of the bowl
Will depend on the part
Of the bowl that is void.

Cut out windows and doors
In the house as you build;
But the use of the house
Will depend on the space
In the walls that is void.

So advantage is had
From whatever is there;
But usefulness rises
From whatever is not.

Well i may have been writing to many dissertations recently and may have gone overboard with referenceing, but i guess i could say ive proved my point quite thoroughly.

So, dont be afraid, its only space :P

Zen is THE shiz

Do you think, you think too much? Or do you have to think about that, before saying, I think so?

Annoyed with that sentence somewhat?? yea well - I have a small suggestion

Why is it, that we feel we need to do all this thinking for? Somewhere, along the lines of history, i reckon something got seriously mixed up. Not only did we loose the knowledge of how important it is to trust and judge from the inside, with the source that we all share and are connected by, but we are utilising our brains all wrong, when its purpose is to be a tool only.

A few concequences of this:

1. If your trying to achieve something, and think too much, the achievement doesnt work out they way you expected


2. When you find yourself in a difficult situation, and go away to think about things, but dont come to a conclusion and just feel extremely tired instead.


3. If you think about going and doing something, and not do it, the only reason you didnt do it is because your thoughts stopped you.


Thinking prevents you from amazing oppertunites, distracts you from what youare capable of and drains the vital energy away needed for your body to funtion properly.

aaand example time

First Il refer back to one of my Favourite films of all time - The Last Samauri. Dont really know what tom cruise is like as a person but hes pretty darn awesome in this film.

In the Japanese mountains, hes learning the way of the samauri. But no matter for how long he tries it, he just cant master it like the others. Until a dude goes up to him and literally says the words "no mind". From that moment, what he was trying to achieve, suddenly became very possible, because he used power from within, instead of the noisy distraction of his thoughts.

Second a strange apiphany that happened to me when I was trying to make an important decision about my future. This summer is looking extremely cloudy - and i guess I just wanted to see a bit of sunshine, a abit of clarity. But I was trying to force a UV beam through the fog, something fake to give me light, to give me direction. Too much thinking and just wanted peice of mind. Nearly made the wrong decision and spent my last monies on going to america fo the summer with a compnay that just wanted to strip me bare of wonga. Literally last minute, I made it through the darkness  and managed to get back in touch with wat truely mattered and felt right. Close call tho

And last but not least - the present moment....a strong instinct that planted itself for years, dormant inside of me, trying to pull me closer to someone, someone special....but I resist, with utter pretence and suffering. I allowed so many automatic objections to block out what truly presented itself infront of me. Each one creating a wall within the mind...and the more walls I built the further away I stood to what felt right to me...eventually this turned into my thoughts becoming lies, and all lieing to yourself does is prolong amazing experiences which are already destined on your path. But if something so powerful as instincts exsist, wouldnt it win the battle one day? Well yea of course. and so the day came when the truth came out in an explosion of realisation. Everything became so.... clear. Like breathing in mountain air. I knew what I had to do next. This opportunity was not to be missed this time -  I had to embrace fully in its potential and beauty.

My next mission was not to let the mind take over again almost immediately. Because from the outisde, I may have looked slightly insane. The second to worst thing after your own poisonous thoughts, are other peoples. Not many people understood my actions. quotes such as "Never saw that one coming" and "Thats really random" and "shes always in a relationship" have been constantly surrounding my life recently. And for a second i let my mind take over, and absorb it all and it made my life a living hell. No Mind - No offence able to be taken in the first place. Complete acceptance of what is. 

And this is the key to peace.

Accept, Embrace then Enjoy. The moment is here and now, and the minds image its created of your past, your future your 'life story' are literaly that - just an image, just a story. A distortion of reality. Know this and clutch at that freedom with deep passion and an open heart. If your outside the box, you Can never go wrong ;)

Enlightment what? Prf Yea, suuuure

Wow. 1. Whole. Month. and no blog post.

How much can change in this period of time? How about a whole new way of living life. Scrap that. Try a whole new level of consciousness. Confused already? Il try my best to explain.

Something happened to me before Christmas, that I cant really put into words. There are 2 main reasons for this.

1. Because there will be a time where I will make it more well known. However this time is definitely not the best.
2. Because the feelings that sprung from the experience started off as indescribably amazing and finished with an indescrible amount of emotional pain (this period of time in between being incredibly short might I add) therefore words cannot actually explain it properly.

But, as I keep hinting throughout all of my posts, fate gave me an option out. digging out the mess that I was left in, that swamp that had swallowed me up, good n proper.

I was scared though.

Christmas was getting ever so nearer and I just didnt know how possible it was to hide my pain for much longer, in order to pretend to enjoy myself and give back the positive energy that my Little brother so depseratly needed from me at this time of year. I didnt even know how I would enjoy myself on the holiday I had booked over new year, the damage to my heart resulting in non existent enthusiasm for any type of basic living..

Its at that moment, when all is lost, when your in your deepest, darkest hole, that the best miracles seem to happen. (point 1 to remember)

I could say that it all started with a sudden appearance of a book, but being honest, I felt that the message portrayed in the book I had already, unconsciously known, its just it had no structure, no basis for me to fall back on these, so called,  'theorys' , and so I always let it slip.

I read a little bit of this book everynight, and with every chapter, I felt a renewed strength inside of me. When Christmas finally came, I felt, finally, slightly more at peace with myself, which made it possible for me to return feelings my 8 year old bro needed, which in turn made me more at peace. Flying off to see old friends actually felt exciting, like i never imagined it to be. And i enjoyed every moment of it, as i stayed in the present moment the whole time I was there (small hint right there).

I saw my mistake. It was entirely self-created. But Im not blaming myself, thats just a negative emotion that neednt be there, like guilt and all the rest, and so was quickly discarded, like the rest (point 2).

In my situation, I suffered. What I didnt realized is that, due to my mind, I reminded myself of this suffering every time I woke, therefore just made my body re-live the same negative emotions everyday. Due to my mind, I got stuck in a rut, that is my past, therefore not really living int he present. Due to my mind, I created situations in my head that i thought would happen, therefore got stuck in future. Due to my mind I was unhappy because I didint get what I want. (Even though what I want is something that the mind has created a vision of, and not necessarily what I truly want). Due to my mind, I was convinced that happiness and peace was something found in external things, objects and even in other people, just to fill that whole, that again due to the mind, had labelled 'unhappiness' (the minds expertise is labelling things).

That bloody mind has alot to answer for.

The Lesson I Learnt

By shutting off that noisy, horrid, obsessive, negative creating thinking machine that sits ontop of my head high and proud to be my downfall,  just for one tiny moment, the past and the future had done a runner. No where to be seen. And, literally, All I  had left, was just myself and the present moment. (not the self that i created an image of in my thoughts, which i actually discovered is quite a different personality)And it was in this present moment that i realised, myself was actually enough. and it was in myself I surrendered to, where I found peace. Thats the first step.

N.B Please dont misunderstand my other posts in this blog where ive talked about looking at the past to find hapiness. This is positive reflection, not dwelling. The present moment however has alot more to offer.

Want to go further down the Rabbit Hole?

It was in this peace where I realized negative emotion couldnt actually possibly exsist. Not when your in that level of consiousness. Where on earth does it come from then?

Ah look, that friggin brain again.

It actually formulates how you look at a situation from a perspective thats harmful for a human being. A great tool, but literally being used for the wrong reasons.

Then I realised, I just took the 2nd step (backwards). Instead of being immersed inside the negative creating thought, I was looking at it from the same place where I found that peace, as an outsiders point of view (trying not to sound skitzifrenic here). Its from the outside where you can put this thought right. I can stop the pain from there, because it was my head that created it and not my real sense of self.

The 3rd step consists of staying put in that state. Its kinda hard to master. Think I'm on my way. Will let it be known when Im there for sure :)

More pointy things

3. Many of us are diseased already. The mind created that disease, and that is where it dwells. Doctors refer to it as Paranoia. I call it the unfortunate fate that nearly every human being is suffering from, some more seriously than others. It is also known as addictions. Everyone has them.

4. This mental disease can lead to physical disease, due to the body creating the wrong chemicals from feeling the wrong emotions making your poor self terribly unbalanced.

5.. War. Mass Killing. Self Harming. Suicide. Family breakups. Relationship breakups. Lonliness. All created by one main element. Fear. Fear is a state of mind. Just a state of mind. If this was realised, so many lives would be saved, and so many people would stop wanting to be unhappy because they think its right/normal state to be. NO ONE actually deserves that.

6.. Fear can be eliminated. Unhappiness eradicated. In one moment, see if its possible to not think of something that has happened in the past, or wonder what will happen in the future, even what wil happen in the next 5 minutes. Whats in this moment, this exact moment, thats beautiful?  How is your body feeling in this moment? What is the best thing in this moment for you right now. Oh look, I just made your past and future dissapear for a second.....

Sneaky me :P. How free did you just feel. Awesome Stuff huh.

Wanna find peace? bit of luurve? lasting happines? Wanna save the world?

Love yourself, find peace inside. Save yourself first. Its amazing how things start working out. I may be wrong. Maybe we were born to only be happy sometimes. Well then, I guess there's no harm in trying this out then :)